Happy New Year!

Milan, mid-December

Best wishes from my house to yours. May your new year be filled with mercy, justice, goodness and prosperity!

Part 11: Rape Culture and Our Schools

In this continuing series, guest blogger Toria helps us consider rape culture and how to better “do justice” for women. Warning: May contain explicit images, language, and/or triggers.

Sexual assaults and rape on university and college campuses are unfortunately common, and it is not unheard of for the faculty of these institutions to either cover up the incidents, fail to report them to the proper authorities, or to ignore them completely. There are too many of these to note, so here is a small sample:

• Faculty members of Penn State failed to report allegations and reports of employees in the sports departments abusing young boys. I don’t think I need to rehash this one.
• Girls are subjected to a stricter dress code than boys do while in grade school. There are stories all over the internet of girls being sent to the principal because their skirts were too short, their shoulders weren’t properly covered, part of their bra strap was showing, their stomach showed when they had to reach up to a high shelf to grab something, and the list goes on. These girls are often told that showing too much skin “distracts the boys” (and male teachers) from their work. Some schools have even banned yoga pants because they are “too tight” and are distracting to male students. Another school sent messages home to the parents of female students, saying that they should make sure their daughters don’t wear clothing that leaves their “backside […] too closely defined.” This teaches the girls that their body is something to be covered up and hidden, rather than teaching boys that they have agency to avoid constantly ogling girls.
• The University of Southern California came under fire when a female student filed a Title IX complaint to administrators after being raped by her ex-boyfriend, a fellow student. Administrators told her that they wanted to “educate” him rather than punish him, even after the student provided an audio recording of her assailant admitting to the rape as evidence. She was also told that she was not raped because her ex hadn’t had an orgasm before he stopped. Another student was also told that her rape was her fault because she shouldn’t be surprised if she goes out drinking and gets raped.
• A student at Boston College submitted a long, detailed account of three rapes he said he committed against three drunk/passed out female students to a Facebook page called Boston College Confessions. This “confession” included claims that he had enjoyed it and that he would likely do it again. Once the post drew attention and had been reported to police, the student said that it was a hoax. The Dean of Boston College has said nothing about determining if this is in fact a hoax, but rather wants to resolve the situation as if the post is entirely untrue. There is a chance that no proper investigation will be done.

You can click here for a list of other rape-related incidents at colleges relating to football players (as this seems to be a common thread in many college rape cases) that details what actions were taken against the perpetrators. In many cases, campus administration did little to investigate or to seek justice for the victims.The Hunting Ground: Documentary about rape on college campuses

Part 10: Rape Culture and Government

In this continuing series, guest blogger Toria helps us consider rape culture and how better to “do justice” for women. Warning: May contain explicit images, language, and/or triggers.

In many parts of the United States government officials—almost always men—trivialize rape.

• Senator Todd Akin caused outrage in August 2012 for arguing his stance on abortion by saying that “legitimate rapes” rarely make women pregnant because their bodies could “shut that wholething down.” Several politicians have made similar statements about women being almost incapable of conceiving a child as a result of rape, as well as discussing the different ‘”levels” and “severities” of rape as a means of justifying the acts.
• Steve King of Iowa voted against a bill proposing an expansion of police power when investigating rape claims by Native American women on tribal land. He said that “they didn’t know what they were talking about,” despite studies saying that Native American women in the U.S. are 2.5 times more likely to be raped than other women and are more likely to suffer additional violence in the process. (This has been the case for decades, if not centuries. There was even a video game in the 1980s in which the player has to survive a stream of arrows to reach a Native American woman who was tiedup on the opposite side of the screen, and his reward is to rape her.)
• Ken Buck, a district attorney-turned-politician, once declined to prosecute a rapist because hebelieved that the victim was suffering from what he called “buyer’s remorse,” even though the rapist had admitted that his victim had told him “no."
• In April 2011, Alan Saldanha, a Green Party candidate from the Vancouver area of British Columbia, posted on Facebook, “If rape is inevitable, lie back and enjoy it!” Clayton Williams of Texas said the same thing in 1990, causing him to lose the gubernatorial election to Ann Richards.
• Roger Rivard, a member of the Wisconsin State Assembly, is on record as telling his son that some girls “rape easy,” meaning that if they have premarital sex, it might start out consensual but they would be “cry[ing] rape” in the morning.

 The “she just regretted it the next day” false-claim argument is frequently used in debates over rape culture to derail the conversation. It should be noted that only 2–8% of reported rapes are false in any given area. It’s astounding the number of people, especially people with political power, who think that it is more important to focus on these false claims than on the other 90%+ of the claims.

Part 9: Rape Culture and Language

In this continuing series, guest blogger Toria helps us consider rape culture and how better to “do justice” for women. Warning: May contain explicit images, language, and/or triggers.

Someone in recent generations had the brilliant idea of using the word "rape" in place of the word “dominate.” It has become shockingly common for people — the majority of them seem to be young boys and men — to saythings like “I raped that test” instead of “I got a great mark on that test,” or “this game is raping me so hard” instead of “this game is really hard.” (Depending on how far you want to take it, even saying that someone orsomething “screwed you over” has the same meaning.)

Even trying to sub in words that aren’t “rape” but are similar in nature is common. When I called out my boyfriend’s brother for saying that a video game was “raping” him, he “corrected” himself by saying that it was “violating” him instead, and didn’t understand why I was still bothered by this. Using a thesaurus to find new ways of saying “rape” when talking about anything other than an actual rape isn’t edgy. It trivializes theact by making it a buzzword.

Any word we could use in place of “rape” means the same thing, anyway. They all mean that one is not in control and being exploited in some way or another. But there are few exploitative situations that are comparable to rape. Comparing a bad run in a video game to a horrific attack by a sexual predator, for example, is abhorrent.

Similar phrases hint at rape but don’t come right out and say it. My least favourite is the ever-popular term “butthurt” (or as some people choose to say, “anally wrecked,” which is supposed to be better somehow?). It’s common to say someone’s butt hurt when the person is sulking for not getting his or her way, but I doubt they ever think of what the word implies. There is also the implication that using rape as a punishment for doing or saying something wrong is okay, which it definitely is not.

Even this twist on using rape in terms of a punishment is used in popular culture:

•   In Die Hard, John McClane tells an LA cop that he was just ‘butt-f*cked’ on national TV for screwing up negotiations with terrorists.

•   In Blade: Trinity, after Blade rescues a cohort from vampires, one of the vampires says that Blade and his group “pretty much f*cking ass-raped” them. Even worse, one of the other vampires snaps back, “Oh, you loved it.”

Part 8: Books and Rape Culture

In this continuing series, guest blogger Toria helps us consider rape culture and how better to “do justice” for women. Warning: May contain explicit images and triggers.

It’s not just movies, music, and public figures who seem okay advocating rape. There are books that do it too! (Thankfully, though, these examples are much harder to come by.)

•       There is the famous example of The Feminist and the Cowboy by Alisa Valdes in which she chronicles the abuse that she suffered during her marriage, only recognizing the abuse for what it was after reading over the finished product.

•       Melissa Gorga, one of the stars of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, recently released a book called Love Italian Style with her husband Joe that details how to have a happy marriage; instead of talking about sharing responsibilities and being honest and trusting, however, Joe says, “Men, I know you think your woman isn't the type who wants to be taken. But trust me, she is. Every girl wants to get her hair pulled once in a while. If your wife says “no,”  turn her around, and rip her clothes off. She wants to be dominated.” There is also a lot of talk about sex being used to avoid his violent outbursts if she does something to upset him(like not be at home when he comes home from work) and other controlling, abusive practices that go on in their home that they claim are perfectly normal for any couple.

•       In some of the original tellings of Sleeping Beauty, separately written by Giambattista Basile and ItaloCalvino, the princess was poisoned by a splinter in her finger. She wasn’t awakened by love’s first kiss from a prince (which is already sketchy because she can’t consent to being kissed — Snow White’s story is similarlyproblematic); she was found by a visiting king who saw that she was unconscious, raped her, and went back to his kingdom. While still unconscious, she gives birth to twins, and only awakens when one of the children sucks on one of her fingers, unknowingly removing the splinter in the process. The story becomes rather convoluted and gruesome, but in the end, the princess marries the king and they still ”lived happily ever after.”

•      The Fifty Shades of Grey series manages to do a disservice to the BDSM community and supports rape culture at the same time. In the first book, Christian Grey insists that Anastasia Steele enter into a sub-dom relationship with him and gets her to sign a contract about what she is willing to endure as part of the relationship. Contracts are never acceptable in sexual relationships because they make someone feel that they cannot withdraw their consent, which is crucial to healthy relationships. There are also several portrayals of sexual and emotional abuse in this series.

Merry Christmas!

Nativity scene last week inside the Cathedral of Florence (Duomo di Firenze), Italy

Justice is Social

"And in His name all oppression shall cease…"

The Column of Justice by Tadda stands in  Piazza SantaTrìnita in Florence, Italy. This  granite column from Rome's Baths of  Caracalla  was the gift of Pope Pius IV in 1560  to the first Grand Duke of Florence.

My friend Célestin lost six family members, including his brother, in the Rwandan genocide. One day a man came to Célestin to be baptized wearing a shirt my friend recognized as having belonged to his deceased brother. When Célestin asked about it, the man said his relative killed the guy who wore it. Célestin wanted to drown this person instead of baptizing him. But he remembered that Jesus had died for them both.

Today Célestin and that man he baptized—the brother of his own brother’s murderer—serve together as ministry partners. Célestin went on to write his doctoral dissertation on forgiveness, coauthoring the book Forgiving As We’ve Been Forgiven: Community Practices for Making Peace, and to found ALARM—African Leadership and Reconciliation Ministry.

People often take social justice to mean the social gospel, which for many evokes connotations of all good works and no God. Certainly we can add nothing to the work done for us on the cross by Jesus Christ. But the good news from on high actually does have social ramifications. When we follow God, it should make us different, not so we can earn his favor (one who knows Christ already has that) but to reflect that the Spirit has set us free and controls us.

Through the prophet Malachi, God told the ancient Israelites that their righteousness needed to have certain characteristics. He wanted his people to be faithful to him, faithful to spouses, faithful to keep promises, fair to their workers, merciful to widows and orphans, and committed to helping immigrants (Mal. 3:5).

In the Old Testament, righteousness and justice are often the same word. And the sort of justice connected with righteousness is not about simply doling out a punishment someone deserves. It’s about making right the wrong, which goes far beyond making the punishment fit the crime. It has an element of restoration.

That is why the term I prefer for this sort of whole-person approach is "restorative justice." It requires more than punitive action such as a jail sentence. It requires restitution and reconciliation—a genuine demonstration of remorse with an apology and attempts to right wrongs.

Each of us should be living out such justice, as it sets free both oppressed and oppressor. As I once heard author Shane Claiborne say, in addition to loving the poor, God also “loves the 1 percent rich who are suffering, though not suffering in the same ways as the poor, but they have high rates of loneliness, depression, and suicide.” We are to emulate the one who preached “good news to the poor; set free the captives” (Luke 4:18), which by implication also includes the oppressors, who live in bondage to self. The Spirit frees both oppressed and oppressor.

Have you been completely faithful to God? Have you always affirmed marriage? Have you kept all your promises? Been completely unbiased with workers? Shown mercy to widows and orphans? Reached out to help immigrants? If not, repent and receive his grace. With his power you can be the kind of person who models the kind of righteousness God desires.

Have you suffered from injustice? Has someone broken promises to you? Has your spouse failed to uphold his vows? Has an employer mistreated you? Are you a widow or orphan or immigrant, lacking social power? Have you had to watch as someone you love endured a great injustice? If so, know that the just God, the one who rules over all, will someday right every wrong you’ve endured and make all things new.

© Sandra Glahn, 2013. Adapted from Chai with Malachi. Thanks to Ed Cyzewski for running this post on his blog this month. You can read responses there. Merry Christmas!

The Women in Jesus's Genealogy

“This is the genealogy of Jesus the Messiah, the son of David, the son of Abraham . . .” (Matthew 1:1, NIV)

 

Two Gospels, Matthew’s and Luke’s, include genealogies of Jesus Christ. Luke traces Jesus back through Abraham, while Matthew provides the Messiah’s Davidic lineage. But another key difference between the lists is
that Matthew’s, unlike most such lists in the first century, includes five
women. And while many commentators view these women as examples of scandal and grace, Matthew probably intended something different.

 

With the first four—Tamar, Rahab, Ruth, and Uriah’s wife—Matthew
shows Jesus’ fulfillment of God’s promise to Abraham that through Christ “all nations” would be blessed (Gen. 22:18). All four were Gentiles. The historian Philo (Virt. 220–22), who lived during Matthew’s time, said Tamar was from Syria Palestina, a Canaanite city. And we know Rahab was from Jericho. Ruth was a Moabitess. And the title “Uriah’s wife,” a phrase probably designed to remind readers of the word “Hittite,” indicates
Bathsheba’s nationality. Mary, the fifth woman, was fully Jewish. Her inclusion demonstrates that Jesus is the promised son of David’s line. So together these five women show that Jesus is Lord of the nations and King of the Jews, the promised son of Abraham and the promised son of David.

 

Our Lord had to be both. To be the all-inclusive Messiah, Mary had to be Jewish, but Jesus also had to have Gentiles in his pedigree. And Matthew could not have made the case for Gentile inclusion with any of the men, as these all had to be descendants of Abraham. The only way to include Gentiles in our Lord’s pedigree was to include his Gentile foremothers.

 

This King is different from all others. Prior pedigrees of royalty in Israel stressed the king’s Jewishness through his male ancestors. But this pedigree, by including five women, establishes Jesus simultaneously as the king who sits on David’s throne and the ruler of all nations—King of kings and Lord of lords!

(We will continue the series on justice for women after Christmas.)

Part 7: Films and Rape Culture

In this continuing series, guest blogger Toria helps us consider rape culture and how better to “do justice” for women.

Rape and assault in a less-than-condemning light is pretty common in movies and TV shows, and has been for decades. [In part because the industry is full of powerful predators]. Here are examples I have found in which rape or expressions of non-consent is either dismissed or portrayed in a positive or comedic way:

James Bond (1962–2012) as a character has sexually assaulted several women, raped at least one woman, and unsuccessfully attempted to rape yet another. Sean Connery’s Bond assaulted a woman in nearly every movie. This is all excused by Bond being a “womanizer”and the fact that these movies were made “in a different time.”In an episode of Bewitched (1960s), Samantha is assaulted by one of her husband Darrin’s clients while hosting a dinner party. When she tells Darrin about it after the fact, he tells her that “a housewife should know how to deal with things like that,”  and she shouldn’t have been surprised because of how she was dressed (in a knee-length cocktail dress with a modest neckline and her shoulders covered). He ends with telling her that she’s just a wife, while the client is a livelihood.In the song Summer Nights from Grease (musical written in 1971, film made in 1978), Kenickie asks Danny if Sandy ever “put up a fight” while they were dating. This is meant to be a joke.In an episode of M*A*S*H (1972), Pierce and McIntyre trick another man into going into the tent of Major Houlihan (who is female), with whom he’d had a relationship in the past. When he sees her, he assumes that she wanted to meet him there to have sex, so he grabs her and repeatedly tries to kiss her. When she screams at him, protests and tries to fight him off, he says that she must have wanted this, because why else would she be there? All of this is accompanied by a laugh track.Japanese director Yasuharu Hasebe released a movie called Okasu! (“Rape!”) in 1976. The main character, a woman who had been raped, realizes that she enjoys being sexually assaulted and offers herself up to multiple “attackers” while looking for the first man who raped her. This is particularly disturbing because it suggests that it is possible for women to enjoy being raped, which by definition is untrue; it is possible to fantasize and enjoy the idea of being raped, but by definition, rape is non-consensual. Enjoying rough sex and having rape fantasies is in no way the same as enjoying rape itself. This also reinforces the idea that some women are “asking” to be raped, which is dangerous.Cult classic The Evil Dead (1981) shows a young woman being raped by a possessed tree. There are shots of branches exposing her breasts, spreading her legs, and penetrating her (implied). This movie was made as a horror film, but because of its campy nature, this scene is often seen as comedic.In Silent Rage (1982), Chuck Norris’ character repeatedly touches a his ex-girlfriend in suggestive ways after she agrees to drive him home. She stops the car and angrily tells him to stop, saying that she doesn’t want to get back together with him. The movie then cuts to a scene with the two of them in bed together, shown in comedic light. (Many movies do this, which sends the message that a person can be “persuaded” into changing her or his mind after refusing to give consent to sexual advances.) Later in the movie she breaks things off with him, then gets back together with him again, playing into the stereotype that women never know what they want but somehow always want sex.Vampire’s Kiss (1988), another cult classic, portrays a man who has a psychotic breakdown after believing he has been bitten by a vampire. He chases down his terrified secretary to an isolated section of their office’s basement and threatens to rape her — for absolutely no reason — along with obscene gestures. This movie is also considered a comedy by many because of the “protagonist’s” antics, including the ones portrayed in this scene.In a scene in nearing the end of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991), the Sheriff of Nottingham forces Maid Marian to marry him. Immediately afterward, he tries to force himself upon her, thinking that the child he wishes to conceive with her will be “pure” since they are married. A shot of her trying to keep her legs together while he forces them apart is used for comedic effect.In Pulp Fiction (1994), two men are taken prisoner in the basement of a shop, which looks like an S&M dungeon. One of the captors rapes one of the prisoners while the other captor watches. (I honestly can’t remember what for; I had a lot of difficulty paying attention to this particular movie.) Uma Thurman said in an interview earlier this year that she was hesitant to take a role in the movie because of that scene. The scene itself is very quiet and seems to only serve the purpose of inciting more violence in an already violent film.In an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (2002), vampire Spike is obsessed with title character Buffy; they had a sexual relationship in past episodes, but she ended it in a previous episode of the same season. Buffy is injured in a battle and is at home running a bath, wearing only a robe. Spike comes into the bathroom and assaults Buffy, trying to force himself on her while telling her that he knows she feels the way he does and that he loves her; Buffy cries and tells him to leave throughout. She is only able to fend him off because she is stronger than the average human. While not portrayed in a positive or comedic light, this event triggers a plot arc for Spike in which he “reforms” and tries to better himself, while Buffy is almost completely unaffected emotionally after the end of the episode. In the following season, Spike becomes one of thepeople Buffy trusts most, despite his assaulting her.In Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, Elizabeth Swan is kidnapped by pirates and locked in the captain's headquarters. In one scene, two crew members tell her that the captain has requested that she join him for supper wearing a gown he chose for her. When she refuses, one of the pirates says, "He thought you'd say that. He also said if that be the case, you'll be dining with the crew—and you'll be naked." The implied threat of assault is clear but this scene has a comedic tone when the men are disappointed that Elizabeth chooses to dine with the captain instead. Later in the film, for 'taking advantage of hospitality' and needing to "return the favor," Elizabeth is thrown to the pirate crew who immediately grope her as she screams in protest.In both the Swedish and English film adaptations (2009 and 2011 respectively) of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (and I presume in the book, but I haven’t read it, admittedly), there are scenes of a man forcing a young woman to perform oral sex on him and then raping her. While this is bad enough, the young woman later gets the upper hand in the encounter and anally rapes the man with an object to punish him for what he has done to her. Both acts are reprehensible; rape is never an acceptable form of punishment, but the films depict the“revenge” rape as something to be applauded.In a recent episode of the adult comedy cartoon Archer (2013), title character Archer discovers that a former colleague had had sex with him while Archer was unconscious (drunk or drugged). The timing of the joke in which this is revealed made even me laugh before I had processed what I heard. There are many, many more instances of rape and assault being played off as being funny or inconsequential, but I think you get the idea.

Part 6: Popular Culture and Rape Culture

I met Toria, our guest blogger, via a podcast I recorded as a guest of Game On Girl. As part of that discussion we discussed “rape culture.” And that led to this series in which she helps us consider what rape culture is and what we can do about it.

If you listened to the Game On Girl podcast episode on which Sandra was a guest, you heard Regina, Rhonda, and Sandra discussing the implications of Robin Thicke’s song “Blurred Lines.” (If you are unfamiliar with the song, consider yourself lucky and please keep it that way.) The song’s lyrics repeatedly talk about a woman being a “good girl,” saying that he’ll “try to domesticate [her]” but she’s “an animal” and that “it’s in [her] nature,” that she should “do it like it hurt,” and Thicke saying “I know you want it.” There’s also a line about violent sodomy sung by another vocalist featured in the song.All of those things are said to rape victims by the people who rape them. Project Unbreakable is a project where rape and assault survivors submit quotes from their assailants, families, friends, and public figures suggesting that the assault was “their” fault; some people will even tell the victims that they (the victims) “loved it.” There are some pretty eerie similarities. It is incredibly troubling that in spite of the controversy surrounding this song, it is still being played on radio stations around the world. Its continued popularity shows that the entertainment industry is more important and powerful than the victims who have heard their rapists say “I know you want it” over and over again in their memories. (On the plus side, several clubs and bars have banned the song from being played, so that’s progress.)Let’s not forget that music and movies aren’t the only ways popular culture can teach complacency on this topic, though. In May 2013, Donald Trump tweeted about the rape and assault epidemic against women in the military, saying, “26,000 unreported sexual assaults in the military—only 238 convictions. What did these geniuses expect when they put men & women together?” Putting men and women together in any scenario should not make rape an inevitability. I work with men and I expect them not to rape me. The same goes for the men who take the same bus as me, who are out in public at the same time as me, who frequent the same businesses as me … so why on earth would any reasonable person expect male soldiers to rape female soldiers just because they’re in the same place together? (Sexual assault in the military is also a huge issue that I can't tackle well enough here, but if you are interested in learning more, I would recommend the documentary called "The Invisible War" which discusses the subject in depth.)

Part 5: Rape Doesn't Happen Only in Dark Alleys

  In this continuing series, guest blogger Toria helps us consider rape culture and how better to  “do justice” for women. Warning: Some explicit images ahead. If my story tells you anything else, aside from “silence = no,” it should also reiterate my earlier point that anyone can become an assailant, and anyone can become a victim.In the movies, rapists are usually shadowy strangers in dark alleys, either alone or in a gang. This can happen in real life, but a rapist or assailant can also be an acquaintance, friend, spouse, significant other / partner, or family member. Anyone can be a rapist, just like anyone can be a victim.I remember a case in which a woman had gone drinking with a group of friends and asked a couple of the guys to take her home, since she was too drunk to drive and didn’t want someone coming after her. They raped her in the bar’s parking lot. She had considered these men to be her friends and had trusted them to get her home safely.Rape doesn’t suddenly become okay if it was committed by someone the victim knows. It also doesn’t make it okay if she’s flirted with them, if they’ve been previously involved, or if they are still in a relationship.

Part 4: Consent vs. Non-Consent

In this continuing series, guest blogger Toria helps us consider rape culture and how better to “do justice” for women. Warning: Some explicit images ahead.

• A rape doesn’t suddenly become consensual sex if the victim has an orgasm. A lot of people say that if the victim has an orgasm, she must have enjoyed it. The truth is that an orgasm is the result of physical stimulation, not necessarily from pleasurable contact. A person can have an orgasm whether they want to or not under some circumstances. An involuntary bodily reaction does not constitute consent.
•  You cannot buy a person’s consent. For example, in the movie Easy A, a teenage girl named Olive gains a reputation for pretending to sleep with her male classmates so that their reputations will get a boost; in return, they secretly give her money or gift cards. One boy, after going on a date with her and paying her, forcefully kisses Olive and keeps trying to kiss her after she pushes him away and tells him to stop. He gets angry, saying that he paid her, so where is she going? This kind of logic is used by a lot of johns (i.e. people who go to sex workers) who abuse, assault and rape sex workers for not consenting to doing certain acts with them. Sex workers can be assaulted and raped just like anyone else; paying someone for sex doesn’t excuse someone from ignoring the words “no” or “stop.”

 Note from SG: Check out this Barna research on what Americans believe constitutes sexual harassment.

Part 3: CONSENT—SAYING “YES” ISN’T ENOUGH

In this continuing series, guest blogger Toria helps us consider rape culture and how better to “do justice” for women. Warning: Some explicit images ahead.

Alcohol is a factor in many rape cases. Many stories exist about a man hitting on a woman at a bar or a club only to abandon her when he finds out she’s still sober. A good number of the rape cases that make headlines involve women being drunk and assailants using their mental state to their advantage. Drunk women are frequently targeted by men for sex because of the impairment of judgment and ability to protest.

Another aspect of rape culture is the narrow definition of sexual consent that many people hold to. Many of us think that as long as a person isn’t saying no, if sex happens, it’s consensual. This isn’t always the case. If the person is under the legal age of consent (this area is cloudy because teens have sex, so I’ll be more specific by saying adults having sex with someone underage), intoxicated (by alcohol, drugs or otherwise) to the point where their judgment is impaired, passed out / asleep, too frightened to protest, or has to be pressured into having sex, any following sexual encounter while she is in that state is a rape or sexual assault; it is also a rape or assault if the encounter begins consensually, but one person wants to stop and this wish is ignored by their partner.

By denying these caveats to consent, which many people do (including some judges, lawyers, and police officers), society isolates victims and silences them because these victims usually end up thinking that the crime was their fault and that they will get into trouble if they report it. They will be convinced that it was their fault for being drunk or getting high, rather than blaming the person who violated them and preyed upon them using their legal inability to give sexual consent.The Tumblr consent-advocacy community has a saying that people would do well to follow: The only consent is a clear-headed, enthusiastic “yes.” This means that the person has to be under no pressure, by you or anyone else, to have sex; they cannot be drunk or high or otherwise incapacitated; and they cannot be afraid of the consequences of a refusal.

In regards to the “reasonable” point of intoxication, there’s no exact way to determine the legality of the person’s consent if they have partaken in drugs or alcohol. According to a local police officer here in Calgary, Alberta, the person “must have an understanding of their actions—having the physical, emotional, and mental capacity to agree.” Having a couple of drinks is likely fine, but when someone’s starting to have difficulty walking in a straight line or is starting to slur their words, that’s where the "blurred lines" start.

California reformed a piece of rape legislation to try and make these situations clearer by saying that the alcohol used to "help along" a rape didn’t have to be supplied by the perpetrator, but that still leaves a lot of things up to interpretation.There was an opinion piece for CNN in which the author described telling her college-age son to get girls to text their consent to him while they were sober in case they ended up hooking up after getting drunk, so that he could prove that she was consenting to any following encounter. There are at least problems with this sort of suggestion. What if the woman withdraws consent after sending the text but before or during a sexual encounter? What if she leaves her phone unattended and her prospective partner sends that text for her, with or without her knowledge? How would you prove that you did or didn’t consent at any time? The thought behind the idea is fine enough, but it might be better to perhaps text a close friend. “I’m going home with this person named [X]. If I don’t text you back by a certain time, please check in on me.”

If you’ve been drinking and you want to cover your bases, you’ll have to find a way to prove that you’re still in control of your mental faculties. Maybe ask them to give you a math question to do, or something that will require a fair amount of thought to answer correctly. Find something that works for you.What about if they don’t say yes or no? Then their partner had better make sure that consent is intended. If a partner isn’t enthusiastically reciprocating attentions, they need to ask, to clarify.

What counts as a “no”?  Lots of little things. If a person is physically avoiding contact (turning their face away when you try to kiss them, edging away from you if you’re sitting too close, etc.), that person is not  interested in going any further. If they let you touch them but don’t reciprocate, are very still, and look nervous, angry, upset or indifferent, this is very likely a “no” as well. If they actually say “no” or “stop,” then backing off and leaving them alone is the only acceptable thing you can do. If they are paying positive attention to you (body language, physical contact, smiling, laughing, flirting, willingly providing contact information), then you should be okay to proceed. When in doubt, it is best to ask.

“Well, she might not have been enthusiastic, but she didn’t say no and didn’t fight back, so ...” So what? I’m going to tell you a personal story. [Trigger warning: sexual assault] One night I was staying at my boyfriend’s house. I woke up in the middle of the night on my stomach in pitch darkness with someone’s hand between my legs. I was groggy and couldn’t remember where I was, since I couldn’t see anything and couldn’t recognize my surroundings, and I was terrified. I didn’t move or speak as the hand continued to touch me, and it took me five long minutes to finally remember where I was and that it was probably my boyfriend’s hand. A moment later he snored and rolled over onto his other side, completely asleep. When I told him about it in the morning, still upset, he said that he didn’t remember doing it and must have been asleep the whole time. “Why didn’t you tell me to stop?” he kept asking, and I finally told him that it’s not easy to speak up when you are scared and alone. It’s hard to say “no” when that word could mean the difference between getting through the encounter or winding up dead. If the person touching me had meant to harm me if I resisted, I would have had no chance; I was lying face-down with my back to him, trapped by him in the corner of the room, unarmed. I wanted to survive, so I kept my mouth shut.Point of the story: assume that unenthusiastic silence is the same as saying “no”; sometimes silence just happens to be “safer.” Need a couple of other examples of why this is true?

• In San Francisco, a man stabbed a woman in the face and arm after she failed to respond positively to his harassing her on the street.

• In Bradenton, Florida, a man shot and killed a high school girl after she and her friends refused to perform oral sex.

The scary thing is, though, that consent just doesn’t matter to some people. At the start of this university term, the University of British Columbia and Saint Mary’s University in Halifax, Nova Scotia came under fire when students complained about Frosh chants. According to CTV News, “The UBC chant reportedly included the phrases: ‘Y-O-U-N-G at UBC, we like 'em young,’ ‘Y is for your sister,’ ‘N is for no consent,’ and ‘G is for go to jail’—which are similar to the lyrics from a chant by Saint Mary's University students.” If that isn’t completely disheartening and a prime example of rape culture in action, I don’t know what is.

Part 2: VICTIM-BLAMING AND "SLUT-SHAMING"

In this continuing series, guest blogger Toria helps us consider rape culture and how better to “do justice” for women. 

Victim-blaming and “slut-shaming” are two of the biggest aspects of rape culture, in my estimation, although victim-blaming holds more weight against female than male victims.

“Why would anyone blame a victim for being raped?” you might ask. It’s an excellent question. The sad truth is that victim-blaming happens all the time when someone is beaten, assaulted or raped, especially if the victim is a woman.

“I would never do that!” you say. Did you know that it is possible to blame the victim for her assault without realizing it? When you ask a rape victim things like “Were you drinking?” “What were you wearing?” “What were you doing there by yourself?” or “Were you giving him mixed signals?” you are blaming the victim. Why? Because you are making excuses for what the rapist did based on the victim’s actions. You take out of the equation the rapist’s ability to reason and his responsibility to respect another person’s sexual autonomy.

Victim-blaming runs the gamut from “if you get drunk, you shouldn’t be surprised if you get raped” to “you can only show so much skin before men lose control” to “she looked older than she was, so it was okay” to “she was as much in control as he was” to “she obviously wanted it, since she didn’t fight him off” to “what, you didn’t have pepper spray?” To turn those examples completely on their heads, in many cases when the victim isn’t conventionally attractive (usually when they are overweight), they are told that they’re lucky that someone wanted to sleep with them in the first place and that they should be grateful for the attention.Here are a few examples of highly publicized victim-blaming:

•     In Montana a teacher in his forties or fifties had a sexual relationship with a 14-year-old student, who later killed herself. The man was sentenced to thirty days because the judge deemed the girl to be “older than her chronological age” and in control of the situation, despite claims of the girl’s mental instability having been made in court several times.

•     In the Canadian Maritimes, some male classmates of Rehtaeh Parsons sexually assaulted and raped her. Pictures had been taken of the incident and passed around the school, causing her to be bullied and harassed to the point that she committed suicide. During the investigation, several locals put up fliers saying “There’re two sides to every story,” asking people to “support the boys!”

•     In the Steubenville case, high school football players gang-raped a girl who had been drinking at a party and had passed out. Much of the mainstream media painted the perpetrators in a sympathetic light, saying that they'd had such bright futures ahead of them and how their sentences would ruin their lives, while saying little of the same of the victim. Many people, whether or not they knew the victim and perpetrators, took to social media to say that it was the girl’s fault for destroying the boys’ lives by being, essentially, a drunken slut. She was even threatened with violence and called “the town whore” by some Twitter users.

•     Prior to Steubenville, but not as public then as it is now, two high-school football players in Maryville, Missouri, raped two girls who had been drinking (and allegedly drugged), filmed it, and left the girls on a front lawn in below-freezing temperatures with only indoor clothing on. The case was initially dropped, but it has recently been reopened following harassment and threats against the girls and their families. The house of Daisy Coleman, one of the victims, was burned down after the girls reported the rapes, and it was thought by some that the fire happened under suspicious circumstances. The Colemans have since moved away from Maryville to escape the harassment.

Somewhat different from victim-blaming is slut-shaming. It also happens to people who have not been victims of an assault, but it is extremely pervasive in our culture and often makes up part of the victim-blaming. Slut-shaming is judging a person, usually a woman, based on her clothing and use of her sexual agency. Many people use these characteristics as weapons against rape and sexual assault victims, saying that by dressing or acting “like a slut” she was asking to be raped, that she deserved it, or “if she’s slept with twenty-five guys, what’s one more?”Why do people blame the victims? Because they believe that good girls are modest and don’t have sex with many people, and that bad girls show all their skin and sleep with whomever they want. The fact of the matter is that neither of those things dictates whether a woman is a “good girl” or a “bad girl”; all it says about her is that she wears clothes and has sexual relationships, just like everyone else. You can disagree with a woman’s conduct, so long as you keep in mind that it’s her life and not yours, and that she doesn’t necessarily have the same beliefs and values that you do. A woman living her life the way she wants to is never an excuse for someone to assault or rape her.Women are taught to live carefully so that they won’t be targeted, but there is one huge inherent flaw in such logic. By teaching women to police themselves, you aren’t just saying, “Dress modestly and act like a lady, and then you won’t get raped”; you are also saying, “Dress modestly and act like a lady, so that he’ll rape someone else who failed to take such preventive measures.”What are we taught as a society about men?: “Boys will be boys.” “It’s in their nature.” “They just can’t help themselves.”'In summation, I will quote Tumblr user rock-it-ship:

If rape was about how revealing her clothes are, in summer the rates of rape would quadruple. But they don’t. If rape was about how much consensual sex she has had in the past, virgins wouldn’t get raped. But they do. If rape was about how attractive she is by conventional standards, only thin, able-bodied women would get raped. But they don’t. If rape was about her drinking too much, women who can’t or don’t drink wouldn’t get raped. But they do. Rape is never the victim’s fault. Rape is about power.

Part 1: Rape Culture 101

I met Toria, our guest blogger, via a podcast I recorded as a guest of Game On Girl. As part of that discussion we discussed “rape culture.” And that led to this series in which she helps us consider what rape culture is and what we can do about it. For a history of how we got here, check out this article. And now, Toria... 

“Rape culture.” These two words aren’t often thought of as going well together. Most people (sadly, not all) know that rape is a crime, and most associate culture with the arts, humanities, philosophy, and other intellectual and creative pursuits. Putting these two words together completely negates the positive connotation of culture. When you strip that away, what do you have? I will start to defining both “rape” and  "culture," as “culture” has a huge number of definitions depending on whom you ask and which dictionary you use. I will use two dictionary definitions that apply directly to this discussion.

 

Rape:the unlawful compelling of a person through physical force or duress (threats, violence, constraints, or other action brought to bear on someone to do something against their will or better judgment) to have sexual intercourse.

 

Culture:development or improvement of the mind by education or training; the behaviors and beliefs characteristic of a particular social, ethnic, or age group.

I want to emphasize two words in particular relating to the first definition of culture: “education” and “training.” These words are the very essence of rape culture.

Confused? “We are always taught that rape is bad,” you might be thinking, or “What does training have to do with rape? You can’t be trained to become a rapist.”

A couple of years ago, I would have agreed wholeheartedly with you. The problem is that neither statement is wholly true.

Before I go any further, I’m going to make a disclaimer: Anyone can rape, and anyone can be raped, regardless of sex or gender; however, statistics show that the majority of rapists are male and the majority of victims are female. This series has been written bearing that in mind, but please know that I acknowledge that men can also be victims and women can also be perpetrators. In addition, much of this piece will also apply to sexual assault and sexual abuse, and some sections can also apply to domestic violence.

A couple other quick definitions, just to differentiate between some common terms:

Sexual assault

is causing another person to engage in an unwanted sexual act by force or threat; groping, non-consensual kissing / touching of a sexual nature, etc. (This includes rape.) This is an umbrella term for most sex-related crimes, generally used for a one-time or short-term series of events.

 

Sexual abuse

involves anything that constitutes sexual assault, but is generally long-term or recurring. This type of sexual crime is more common in families and relationships than among individuals who are strangers to each other.

*   *   *

I have some questions for any men who are reading this series:

•       When was the last time you felt afraid while walking alone out in public, especially after dark?

•       Do you carry a weapon with you to keep yourself safe?

•       Has someone ever told you that you shouldn’t wear a particular article of clothing when you go out? Have you ever had to rethink an outfit because it would garner too much attention?

•       Has someone of the opposite sex ever followed you, cat-called you, or made you uncomfortable or afraid for your well-being?'

Why do I ask? Because there are very few women who don’t become more wary when they are out alone at night, who haven’t considered carrying pepper-spray or held keys between each of their fingers like claws while walking to their cars, who haven’t had to re-evaluate their clothing choices because they might “send the wrong message,” and who haven’t had at least one guy make them fear for their lives. Because approximately one in five women (some studies even say one in four women) in the United States has reported being raped or sexually assaulted at least once in her life.'

Why?

Because we live in what is known as a rape culture. Rape culture is best and most simply described as a system that benefits rapists more than it does their victims. It doesn’t make sense for criminals to receive more favorable treatment than the people they victimized, but it happens daily in a number of different ways through the media, our justice systems, our education systems, our governments, and individuals like you and me. It is my hope that by the end of this series, you will be able to see this when it happens, and that you will understand the implications.

The Ice Storm

Fall came late in our yard this year. But at least it came. (We get little color in Texas.) Having lived in Oregon, Virginia, and Maryland, I miss fall most of all. 

We do have one red oak tree in our front yard that turned beautiful reds and oranges last week. We had several 80-degree days when we awoke see to brilliant orange glowing out our bedroom window.

Within 36 hours, we heard loud cracking sounds in the night, and we woke to find the frozen leaves had weighed the red oaks so heavily (one of which had not even turned color yet), that the ice-leaves broke off the treetops and about 1/3 of the limbs. 

Cascades of rain turned to ice flow for the youpan holly tree in our back yard. 

Even the destructive force reflects beauty. But our trees look like they're weeping.

Hospitality—Without Complaint

Today a piece I wrote about hospitality at Christmas appears on the Sacred Story web site. Check it out and leave a comment. Do you have an Uncle Bubba coming to visit?

Goodreads Books of the Year

Goodreads has announced its top picks for 2013. It's like a People's Choice awards. Here are some of the biggies:

Fiction
Khaled Hosseini
And the Mountains Echoed

Nonfiction
Temple Grandin
The Autistic Brain

Mystery/ Thriller
Dan Brown
Inferno

Historical Fiction
Kate Atkinson
Life after Life

Fantasy
Neil Gaiman
The Ocean at the End of the Lane

Science Fiction
Margaret Atwood
Madd Addam

Memoir and Autobiography
Malala Yousafzai
I Am Malala

"Ris'n with Healing in His Wings"

"But for you who respect my name, the sun of vindication will rise with healing wings, and you will skip about like calves released from the stall." —Malachi 4:2

First Day of Advent

"Advent" means "coming." Today marks the first day of Advent, the season during which we prepare our hearts to remember Jesus's first coming. It's not just a "Happy Birthday" event we celebrate. Rather, it's a season for considering the astonishing reality that God took on human form and lived among us, God with us! Immanuel—that is one of his names, and it's Hebrew for "God with us!" Incarnation. God in the flesh. Amazing!

Because today is the first day of advent, today is the first day in the Christian year. Happy New Year!