Rape Culture #7: Language: “It’s Just Locker Room Talk”

Part seven of a series by Joy Pedrow Skarka

Rape culture language is so normalized into our everyday life that it easily gets written off as “locker room talk,” even from the mouth of the United States President, Donald Trump. 

            A video was released with Donald Trump saying, “You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful [women]. I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait.”

            “And when you’re, a star they let you do it,” Trump continues. “You can do anything... Grab them by the p****. You can do anything.” In today’s world, women are objects, and when a celebrity wants one, they get one.” 

            When this video went viral, Trump defended himself by stating, “This was locker room banter, a private conversation that took place many years ago.” So does that mean this kind of offensive “macho” language is acceptable if it happens in a private room of only males? Writing off Trump’s comments as “locker room talk” perpetuates rape culture. 

            What happened after this video leaked was actually sadder than the president's comments. Female Trump supporters held signs at a rally in NYC following the leak of these tapes that read, “Better to grab a pussy than to be a pussy.”

Women’s genitals are used to degrade and show weakness. Such actions elevate men and puts down women. Women perpetuate rape culture too.                

Sandra Glahn responded to Trump’s tweets with a request to the general public: “Please help us normalize speaking up rather than normalizing ‘locker room talk’ and groping and rape. If a victim confides in you about a violation endured, know that ‘I believe you’ is a much more powerful response.” The language we use around rape will either encourage rape culture or help heal victims. 

            The language in the music we listen to is also affected by rape culture. Often, song lyrics encourage rape more than help victims. Robin Thicke’s song “Blurred Lines” repeatedly talks about a woman being a “good girl,” saying that he’ll “try to domesticate [her]” but she’s “an animal” and that “it’s in [her] nature,” that she should “do it like it hurt,” and saying “I know you want it.” These lyrics are exact examples of comments made by rapists to their victims. No wonder many victims believe the rape was their fault. Some radio stations have banned songs because of the lyrics.

            We also must look at the words people use to describe sex. Urban Dictionary, an online dictionary for slang words and phrases, uses these words for sex: bang, screw, f***, shag, smash, and nasty. When the word rape is used on Urban Dictionary, it can mean: to win a fight, to own, force sex, to steal or take something, to plunder, to make someone go away, butt hurt, anally wrecked, or to defeat or destroy. One example could be, “I just got raped by that math test.” Rape is used as a buzz word. The words we use matter and can either help stop rape culture or continue it. Such language minimizes and normalizes the crime of rape.

            Language matters. One study created a local “rape culture index” consisting of language patterns that fall into four broad categories: blaming victims, empathizing with perpetrators, implying victim consent and questioning victim credibility. Researchers then analyzed more than 300,000 articles on rape from 279 mostly local U.S. newspapers between 2000 and 2013. They concluded: “The bad news is that where local coverage is consistent with rape culture, that language correlates with real-world behavior.” The more rape culture language was used in the media, the more sexually violent behaviors were seen in the cities.

Read about how Christians across the political divide could do a better job in responding to so-called locker room talk.

Rape Culture #6: Rape Doesn’t Happen Only in Dark Alleys

Part six in a series by Joy Pedrow Skarka 

Rape can happen to anyone, anywhere. An abuser can be an acquaintance, friend, spouse, date, or family member. In fact, the majority of victims know their perpetrators. Research reveals that 7 out of 10 rapes are committed by someone known to the victim. Most children and teen victims know their perpetrator. Of sexual abuse cases reported to law enforcement, 93 percent of juvenile victims knew their perpetrator. Rape is more common when it is with people known to the person violated.*

            Anyone can be a rapist—even trusted family doctors. In 2018, Dr. Larry Nassar was convicted of sexually assaulting numerous young women on the national US gymnastics team. More than 150 victims publicly confronted him during a seven-day hearing and shared their stories of abuse, including well known Olympians Aly Raisman and Jordyn Wieber. Credit goes to Rachael Denhollander, a Christ-follower who first publicly made accusations against Dr. Nassar. She gave a powerful testimony during the hearing and now is a victim advocate, educator, and speaker on sexual abuse and justice. Dr. Nassar was sentenced to prison terms of up to 175 years for criminal sexual assaults of more than 150 young athletes. 

            We allow credentials to enable rape culture when we believe that a doctor can automatically be trusted—that he has to do what he is doing for medical purposes. In reality, Dr. Nassar groomed his victims and manipulated them into believing he was a safe person. One Olympic gold medalist gymnast, McKayla Maroney, explained in her speech at the hearing, “I had a dream to go to the Olympics, and the things that I had to endure to get there were unnecessary and disgusting.” One woman reported the crime to her school, and they responded by saying that she did "not understand the difference between sexual assault and a medical procedure.” People in powerful situations use their power to abuse others.

            It happens on first dates, in long-term dating relationships, and in marriages. It does not matter if the person had consenting sex with the abuser in the past, rape is still rape. It happens on college campuses (Check out Part 11 of this series: Rape Culture and Colleges), even at Christian colleges such as Pensacola Christian College and Bob Jones University. It happens in apartments, behind dumpsters, at restaurants, on buses, in bars, even in the victim’s own home—rape happens absolutely everywhere inhabited by humans.

            It even happens in boarding schools filled with missionary kids from around the world. At least 50 children were sexually and physically abused at a boarding school in Senegal, Africa in the 1980s. In 2013, New Tribes Mission (NTM) missionary Warren Kennel was arrested for alleged sexual abuse of children in the 1980s in Brazil. It happens in jails. An estimated 80,600 inmates each year experience sexual violence while in prison or jail. Sixty percent of all sexual violence against inmates is perpetrated by jail or prison staff.More than 50 percent of the sexual contact between inmate and staff member—all of which is illegal—is non-consensual.Rape doesn’t happen only in dark alleys—rape happens everywhere and usually the victim knows the rapist.

*Statistics from RAINN—the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization.

Rape Culture #5: "Why I Didn’t Report"

Part five in a series by Joy Pedrow Skarka 

After my rape, I was not planning to report him to authorities. Then I heard that he “slept” with another girl. Thinking about how he probably had raped her too, and wanting to protect future women, I went to my university’s Center for Victim Advocacy and reported my rape. I was paired with an advocate, and she helped me decide what to do. I had three options: reporting to the police, reporting to my university, or both. If I reported my rape to the police, my case would go through the criminal justice system and the perpetrator could face legal sanctions or jail time. If I reported it to my university, he could have faced expulsion. 

            I decided to report to my university and press charges through my school’s Office of Student Rights and Responsibilities, but not through the police. We had multiple classes together, and he would sit next to me and write me notes. When we made eye contact, he would smirk and wink. One time we were in the library, and he walked right into my path and did a spin move in front of me, smiled, laughed, and walked away. I wanted him off of my campus.

            When he found out I pressed charges with the school, he wrote me a note saying, “I’m not a rapist. Please take back my charges. This could ruin my life, and I don’t deserve that.” 

            In order to report the rape, I had to write out the story and then share it in a small room while sitting across from four adults who were somehow involved on campus. My advocate sat next to me. She often checked in to see how I was doing. My rapist was also in the room. We were separated by a small man-made wall. After I told my story I left the room, and he had a chance to tell his story.The school acted quickly, which I greatly appreciated. I was raped in August, and by December I received a call that he was kicked off campus. 

I know that my story is unusual. If students do report on campus, most rapists actually win and stay on campus. I am thankful I never saw my abuser again. 

            Why didn’t I report his crime to the police? I heard horror stories of the length of the process. I had spent five months, my first semester as a freshman in college, living through the pain of rape. I did not want this pain to drag on any longer. I wanted to move on with my life. 

            In 2018, Dr. Christine Ford pressed charges against Brent Kavanaugh. When she went public with her story, many claimed she was lying because she should have reported it sooner. I am not making a claim about whether she told the truth or not—but we should never use the “she waited too long” argument to blame a victim. 

            During the media explosion related to the Ford/Kavanaugh travesty, President Donald Trump tweeted, “I have no doubt that, if the attack on Dr. Ford was as bad as she says, charges would have been immediately filed with local Law Enforcement Authorities by either her or her loving parents.” The situation and such language surrounding it perpetuates rape culture and mocks victims. In a later interview, Trump continued to mock Dr. Ford, asking in a public gathering, “What neighborhood was it? I don’t know. Where’s the house? I don’t know. Upstairs? Downstairs? Where was it—I don’t know. But I had one beer, that’s the only thing I remember.” His audience laughed and cheered. 

We must understand that traumatic experiences have an impact on the brain. In moments of high stress or fear, such as during sexual assault, the prefrontal cortex is impaired and sometimes even shuts down. This phenomenon causes many victims to remember only fragments. So we cannot reasonably expect a victim to recall, detail for detail, the rape, especially if years have passed, and the victim has spent those years trying to forget the painful details. 

            What happens when a victim does come forward and share her story? Frequently, she gets mocked. Yet people argue, “Why didn’t she come forward sooner?” Such is the cycle of rape culture.

            Actress and activist Alyssa Milano responded to Trump by sharing her own experience of staying silent about her sexual assault. She also encouraged others to share their stories. She tweeted, “Hey, @realDonaldTrump, Listen the f*** up. I was sexually assaulted twice. Once when I was a teenager. I never filed a police report and it took me 30 years to tell my parents.”

            Why don’t people report? Fear. The length of court cases. The continuation of trauma. The victims have been told: “You’ll embarrass your family.” “You’ll lose your job.” “They’ll never believe you.” “The case will take forever to process.” In a justice system that usually sides with the perpetrator, a victim would think twice before reporting. Many choose not to report to protect the rest of their household from the abuser. If the criminal does not go to jail, which statistics tell us he will not, then he could come back for revenge against those in the household. 

            Some people cannot report because of their immigration status. For many undocumented victims, taking steps to report abuse could lead to the government detaining or deporting them. When a person could get kicked out of the country, they obviously would fear reporting or saying anything to a government that has authority over them. A New York Times article reported that the fear of deportation causes crimes to go unreported—especially sexual assault. In the same article, it was reported that a woman who immigrated illegally from Mexico nearly thirty years earlier waited for years before reporting an abusive partner to the police. She said, “Fear is stronger than ever—anyone from above could keep us in custody and deport us.” There are countless stories of immigrants who are putting up with abuse to stay in America. These silent women could not report the abuse they endured. 

A former prosecutor in the Brooklyn district attorney’s office said in the article, “If the perception is that there is a greater risk if you go to the police, you are going to be less likely to do so, and you are more likely to stay in an abusive relationship until you need to seek treatment at a hospital. All of this strengthens the abusive partner.” Our world is not a safe place for victims to report.

            Other women who do come forward get blamed for “crying rape.” People argue, “Maybe after consenting to sex, she regretted it and now cries rape.” However, the statistics demonstrate that this happens incredibly rarely. In The Hunting Ground, a documentary about rape on college campuses, it was stated, “Only 2–8 percent of reported rapes are false in any given area.” What should a woman do? Report it and not be believed and risk putting herself or her loved ones in danger? Or suffer in silence?   

            Finally, many women do not want to report because doing so might involve going through the grueling process of completing a rape kit. In the middle of the night, my friend texted me that she needed to go to the hospital—she had been raped. I met her at the hospital and waited with her for hours in the hospital room until a victims’ advocate showed up. Once the advocate showed up, my friend was taken away into a private room where she had to strip down naked, enduring having photos taken of her entire body (including inside and outside of her body). It took more than two hours for processors to complete her body scan and rape kit. And then what happened? She was told they told her they did not have enough evidence to prove anything, because she had gone to the bathroom and changed her clothes. Leaving the hospital, my friend said to me, “That was like getting raped all over again, but actually probably worse.” 

            This is why victims don’t report.

Rape Culture #4: Rape Culture and Consent

Part four in a series by Joy Pedrow Skarka 

The big debate in America right now: what counts as sexual assault and harassment? In a recent Barna study, Americans say that sexual harassment is most often about being touched or groped or being forced to do something sexual—but also includes mostunwanted sexual behavior. The question then becomes, how do we know when the act becomes “unwanted?”

            The #MeToo Movement created dialogue around a new standard of consent and confused the hook-up culture. Magazines once filled with sex tips are now filled with consent tips. There is a debate over where the line of consent ends and where sexual assault begins. Some people believe that, “no means no,” and “yes means yes,” however, it is more complicated than that. Because of the #MeToo movement, many people enter hookups with fear and anxiety. Although this series is written for a believing audience, it is important to know what our world is teaching about consent. 

            In hook-up situations, what do you do if a person says no, but then says yes? Or yes, but then no? Will hook-ups have to start requiring a written form of consent? Or will fearful people, stop having sex and turn to porn? Before, people could freely meet a person at a bar and hook-up, but now one partner often stops and asks for verbal consent every step of the way.

            To help the hook-up culture, Teen Vogue provided tips to obtain enthusiastic consent. This is what I learned: First, avoid partners who are vulnerable. This included people who are intoxicated by drugs or alcohol, sexually inexperienced, in a new situation, or acting recklessly or immature, their physical and/or mental capacity to make informed sexual decisions is impaired or limited. The more vulnerable, the higher chance for lack of consent or regret. Teen Vogue mentions, if they are heavily intoxicated, asleep, unconscious, or not of legal age, then they are not legally capable of providing consent, and sex with them is by default sexual assault, no matter how eager they seem.

            The second thing to do is to establish reciprocal interest before you start thinking about physical touch. This includes flirting, eye contact, smiling, and talking. It is very important at this stage toensure that your partner’s intentions and expectations of the possible sexual encounter are in line with yours. For example, find our if they want a hook-up or are looking for a relationship. Third, negotiate consent verbally. Explicitly ask permission before touching. Ask permission for everything.

            One way to avoid frequently asking for consent is to establish a “blanket consent” ahead of time by asking, “I’d like the freedom to hook up without continually asking permission for each individual act. But consent is really important to me, so I’d like you to tell me if something doesn’t feel good, if you want me to slow down or stop. Does this work for you?” Even with a blanket consent, you must remember that at any point, the partner can say no or change their mind.

            The article ends by explaining what to do if you “screw up” with your consent, “Make amends (as much as possible), then learn from your mistakes and don’t repeat them. And remember, like with many things in life, practice makes perfect.” If a person “screws up,” does that mean they sexually assaulted someone? Our culture is trying to figure out how to safely mix the hook-up culture and the impacts of the #MeToo movement. 

            Legally, consent matters a lot. Rape myths argue that as long as a person isn’t saying no, if sex happens, it’s consensual. This isn’t always the case. The person could say yes first, and then say no, or the abuser could have more power or authority over the victim and the victim may not feel like there is a way out of the situation. If the victim is under legal age and the rapist is an adult, intoxicated by alcohol or drugs, passed out or asleep, powerless or too frightened to protest—there was no consent and this is considered rape or sexual assault. When people fail to believe the above examples are situations where the victim lacks consent, rape myths continue and rape culture is perpetuated. Women believe the rape was their fault and men get away unharmed. 

            It is also important to talk about what counts as a “no.” Some people, especially college boys, believe in the idea that when a woman says no she really means yes. This is not supported in empirical research. Women are constantly viewed at untrustworthy. Instead of doubting women, let’s believe women. Here are some examples of “no” besides a woman audibly saying “no”: avoiding eye contact, turning away her face, not reciprocating touch, nervousness, anger, or sadness. When in doubt, it is best to ask.

When people fail to agree on consent, people will fail to agree on sexual assault. In a study on alcohol-related sexual assaults on college campuses, the study found that, “college men report rates (of sexual assault) lower than college women do because many men view the woman’s non-consent as vague, ambiguous or insincere and convince themselves that their forcefulness was normal se­duction not rape.” Men also use alcohol as an excuse for consent. Rape myths argue that if a woman was drunk, she was asking for it. In the same study on alcohol-related sexual assaults, researchers discovered, “Alcohol consumption is sometimes used as a justifica­tion for men’s socially inappropriate behaviors. Men believe that their intoxicated condition caused them to initially misperceive their partner’s degree of sexual interest and later allowed them to feel comfortable using force when the women’s lack of consent finally became clear to them.”

            For more information, check out this Barna research on what Americans believe constitutes sexual harassment.

Rape Culture #3: Victim-Blaming and Slut-Shaming

Part three in a series by Joy Pedrow Skarka 

Victim-blaming and slut-shaming silence survivors.

We sat on the couch, and I told my friend, “I was raped.” In shock, my friend asked a few questions that I don’t remember anymore, but I’ll never forget how the questions made me feel in that moment—that the rape was my fault.

Questioning a victim is a very common response when someone first hears about a rape—questions like: “What were you wearing?” “Were you drinking?” “Did you lead him on?” 

Why do people ask these questions? In a rape culture victims are not innocent. They must have played some part or had some responsibility for their rape to happen. Consequently, people question the victim. And questioning the victim has the same effect as blaming the victim. The questioner makes excuses for the rapist’s actions based on the victim’s actions. The message is this: the victim was asking for it.

In my story, I was blamed for going to his apartment, for not leaving, for sleeping over, for not putting up a physical fight—some implied that I was asking for it. I was told that even if I was raped that I needed to take responsibility for my sinful actions. Yes, I chose to go to his apartment and sleep there, but that does not make the rape my fault. Because these were the messages I had received from loved ones, it took me years to get over the shame I felt, thinking that I was responsible for someone else’s actions. Receiving victim-blaming questions sometimes hurts worse than the actual abuse, especially when a close friend or family member does the interrogating. 

         While victim-blaming is evident in the types of questions people ask, it is also evident in the myths that are told about rape. Rape myths are “attitudes and beliefs that are generally false but are widely and persistently held, and that serve to deny and justify male sexual aggression against women.” Some examples of rape myths include: “if a woman is raped when she is drunk, she is somewhat responsible,” “a woman who goes to the home of a man on the first date is implying that she wants to have sex,” “she asked for it,” “if the rapist doesn’t have a weapon, you really can’t call it rape,” “many women secretly desire to be raped,” “a lot of women lead a man on and then cry rape,” and “rape is unlikely to happen in a woman’s own neighborhood.” Endorsements of rape myths prevent sexual assault victims from receiving justice. Research suggests that eliminating rape myths is key to ending sexual violence.

Slut-shaming is a type of victim-blaming, but it focuses on the outer appearance of the victim. Usually the recipient of such shaming is a woman, and she is slut-shamed based on her clothing and her physical characteristics. Questions such as, “What was she wearing?” “Did she have on excess make-up?” or “Doesn’t she sleep around anyway?” are forms of slut-shaming. Curvy women have said after being sexually assaulted that they wanted to get breast reduction surgery because they wanted to remove the body part that caused them to get raped. 

Instead of teaching women to love their bodies, we teach women that their bodies caused their abuse. Yet even if a woman wore a short skirt or has a past of sleeping around, what she is wearing is never an excuse for someone to assault or rape her. Women are not responsible for a man’s actions. By blaming the women’s appearance, we lower the responsibility of men. What does this say about men? “Men have no control.” “They just can’t help themselves.” If the woman happens to be overweight or doesn’t fit the “skinny blonde” image, some people will even tell her that she is lucky someone wanted to sleep with her. 

         When the world blames the victims, victims also blame themselves. Author and advocate, Christine Caine, in her book UNASHAMED, states, “When you are abused, at first you are ashamed of what is happening to you. Over time, though, you begin to think it is because of you that it is happening.” When we have been abused, we believe that something about us makes us abuse-worthy—that we are bad or unworthy of love. 

 Next time someone shares an abuse story with you, resist the temptation to ask questions. Instead, respond in love, empathy, and concern. Next time you hear a person ask a question that perpetuates victim-blaming or slut-shaming or a rape myth, kindly intervene and share your new knowledge. 

Rape Culture #2: The #MeToo Movement

Part two of a series by Joy Pedrow Skarka

Today in part 2 of the Rape Culture series, we consider the relationship between the much-debated #MeToo movement and the underlying issue of rape culture. 

            Raped my freshman year of college, I joined the 321,500 victims (age 12 or older) who experience rape and sexual assault each year in the United States. As a victim of sexual abuse, I joined the many women who spoke out in the #MeToo movement. In October 2017, the #MeToomovement went viral, and I posted on Facebook and Twitter. It felt empowering to think others struggle too.

            This was not the first time I posted online for the whole world to see about my abuse. I am a blogger who often writes about my abuse. But for what felt like the first time, I was joined by others in speaking out. Friends I had known for years spoke out for the first time. #MeToo has created more than cathartic relief. The movement has sparked discussion, called men to higher standards, and put people behind bars. Harvey Weinstein was fired and is facing a life sentence. Bill Cosby, whose accusers made allegations made before #MeToo went viral, was sentenced to three to ten years in prison for sexual assault. Many other abusers face sentencing after accusations.

            When I first read about the movement, I thought it focused only on sexual assault. But I was wrong. Even though I was a victim, I lived behind the lens of white privilege, failing to see that the #MeToo movement was also about race, privilege, and power. All of these issues intertwine, creating multiple layers that need unpacking. We cannot talk about #MeToo without also talking about systemic racism and gender inequality.

            How so? In 2006, Tarana Burke firstused #MeToo to raise awareness of the pervasiveness of sexual abuse among women of color, particularly within underprivileged communities. Yet the movement did not gain momentum until the Donald Trump and Billy Bush tape (the “Access Hollywood” tape) leaked, and white women started using the hashtag. Our sable sistas have been crying out, begging for help. Why did it take a white woman to tweet #MeToo for people to stand up and speak out? Unlike me, some women fear sharing their #MeToo stories because they still live in bondage to their abusive partners.Stuck in the house, unable to escape because they have no means of financially supporting themselves or their children on their own, these women remain silent.

            So we cannot talk about #MeToo without also talking about privilege. Many women in underrepresented populations lack the finances to afford counseling and doctor visits. They suffer in silence—most vulnerable to abuse. After my abuse, I went to the gynecologist and obtained testing for STDs. Many others do not have such an option. After my abuse, I went to counseling and found healing from the trauma. Others may not have this option, either. Not only do many victims fail to receive the emotional and physical help that they need, but they also have to watch their abusers draw a “get out of jail free card.” 

            We cannot talk about #MeToo without also talking about power. We make excuses for celebrities and men in power, and elect presidents who, “Grab ’em by the pussy.” Read the names of the accused: Bill Cosby. Bill Clinton. Donald Trump. Roy Moore. Harvey Weinstein. Bill O’Reilly. Matt Lauer.Andy Savage. Bill Hybels. Brett Kavanaugh. Powerful men in powerful positions—inside and outside of the church. Men of privilege, who have power, but who lack accountability, creating opportunities for abuse. This perpetuates rape culture.

            Since #MeToo, the backlash has made it more difficult to help women fight for equality. For example, one article said that men across Wall Street are shutting out females, motivated by fear of facing false accusations of sexual harassment. Such extreme reactions are not fixing the problem, but are making it possibly harder for women who already faced challenges in the work place. Fear prevents women from being able to travel with men, be mentored by men, or partner  with men to accomplish tasks. Such fear is present not only in the culture at large but in the Christian subculture, where people have taken “the Billy Graham elevator rule” to an extreme. That is, men avoid being alone with women in elevators and in cars to “avoid sexual temptation.”  Avoidance is not the Christian way forward. A look at Romans 16 suggests that men and women need to and can partner in healthy familial relationships to fulfill our calling to multiply worshipers on the earth. 

Rape Culture #1: Introduction

A new series by Joy Pedrow Skarka

[Trigger warning] Day three of my freshman year of college, I had said, “No,” countless times. I went to his apartment (totally sober), not realizing the possibilities of what could happen. As the night progressed, I started to understand his plan.

            “No, no, I don’t want to have sex.”

            “Are you sure?” he persisted. 

            “I haven’t had sex before. I should go.”

            “No, don’t go, stay with me. I promise we won’t have sex.” He put his hands around my hips and pulled me close to him.

It happened late at night, and I had just moved into my new dorm days earlier, so I had no idea how to get back home. “Okay, I’ll stay the night. But we should go to bed.” 

            We laid there on the tiny twin dorm bed. I drifted off to sleep.

            Groggy, I woke up to find him on top of me. Having had less than three hours of sleep, I lost my mental abilities. Again, he told me he wanted to sleep with me. I said no, but he said, “But I already did it.”

            “What do you mean?”

            “We already had sex.” 

            How did I not feel it? Was I too sleepy to remember? Did he do it at night while I was asleep? He had raped me in my sleep. In a haze, I thought I was dreaming. My body could not move. My tired brain rationalized and thought, “Well, if it already happened, I should try and make my first time good.” As a virgin, I believed my first time should not be rape. In the moment, I convinced myself it wasn’t rape, not like the movies at least. I wasn’t tied down with a rope or choked with his hands. Then he raped me again. 

            Following the encounter, I stood in the mirror looking at my naked body. My alert mind began to understand what had happened. My hands traced my figure, trying to figure out if I was real. He walked over and started to rub my back. Together we stared at my body in the mirror. “You are beautiful,” he said. 

            This is my rape story. 

            I hate telling the details of this story because people ask questions like, “Why did you sleep over? You should have left!” “Why did you go to his apartment?” “How could you have let this happen?” “What were you wearing?” “Were you drinking?” “You continued to have sex, so how is that rape?” These questions are unhelpful. In fact, for years these questions blanketed my mind and body with shame. I believed the rape was all my fault. I hated myself. And such questions perpetuate rape culture—giving validity to the falsehood that rape is the rape-survivor’s fault. 

            Imagine if the people with whom I shared my story had reacted in a different way. Imagine if they empathized and said, “I’m so sorry that happened to you! How are you feeling? What can I do to help you begin healing?” Yet these are not the common reactions to rape stories. 

       Every 98 seconds an American is sexually assaulted. Women and girls experience sexual violence at higher rates than men and boys. Eighty-two percent of all juvenile victims are female, and ninety percent of adult rape victims are female. Sexual assault affects everyone around us, yet most of the perpetrators walk away. Out of 1,000 rapes, 995 perpetrators will not go to jail. Because of this fact and many other reasons which this series will cover, many people do not report crimes to the police. Only 230 out of every 1,000 sexual assaults are even reported to authorities. That means about three out of four go unreported.*

            Rape is a crime, and rape culture is the world in which we live. The term rape culture describes a context of making excuses for or minimizing the behavior of a predator (e.g., he was drunk or young, so he should be forgiven), as well as emphasizing the victim’s behavior as inviting assault (e.g., she was wearing skimpy clothes and “asking for it”). Scholars use the term “rape culture” to describe the normalization and frequency of sexual assault, violence, and victimization. Rape culture is a system of oppression; it protects abusers and silences victims. Coined by second-wave feminists—some of whom were Christians—in the 1970s, rape culture describes the relationship between rape, popular culture, sexual violence, and the media.

            To better understand rape culture, let’s define some key terms:

            Rape: a form of sexual assault (not all sexual assault is rape). Legally, rape is sexual penetration without consent. The FBI defines rape as “penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.”

            Culture: a development or improvement of the mind by education or training; the behaviors and beliefs characteristic of a particular social, ethnic, or age group. It is important to notice two words in this definition: “education” and “training.” These two words, applied negatively, perpetuate rape culture. To prove my point, think about whom the media portrays as rapists. Think back to the common questions people asked me after my rape. How is it that nearly every person asks these same questions? The questions are learned responses, results from cultural influences. 

Currently, victims are left silent, alone, confused, and blamed, while most predators’ lives remain pretty much unchanged. Rape culture is not a “woman” issue, it is a “human” issue. And nothing will change until men join together with women to fight against its injustices. 

Anyone can rape and anyone can be raped. But statistically, most rapists are male, and most victims are female. Consequently, this series will focus on the primary rape scenario, which is male against female; but it is important to remember that men can be raped, and women can be rapists. Failure to acknowledge this reality also continues the influence of rape culture. 

            Sexual assault: sexual contact or behavior that occurs without explicit consent of the victim. Some forms of sexual assault include: attempted rape, fondling (i.e., unwanted sexual touching), forcing a victim to perform sexual acts such as oral sex, penetrating the perpetrator’s body, or penetration of the victim’s body, also known as rape. Sexual assault is not a mistake, but is, rather, a crime. 

            Sexual abuse: anything that constitutes sexual assault, from touching a victim in a sexual manner to forcing a victim to touch the perpetrator in a sexual way to making a victim look at sexual body parts or watch sexual activity. Sexual abuse is usually used to describe behavior toward children in families or relationships, and is usually long-term or reoccurring abuse. 

            Sexual harassment: unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical harassment of a sexual nature in the workplace or a learning environment, that explicitly or implicitly affects an individual's employment, unreasonably interferes with an individual's work performance, or creates an intimidating, hostile, or offensive work environment.

            Force: not always physical pressure; perpetrators may use emotional coercion, psychological force, or manipulation to coerce a victim into non-consensual sexual activities. Examples of force would include emotional abuse, threatening to hurt loved ones, threatening to fire a victim from a job, or physical abuse. All rape, sexual assault, and sexual abuse situations involve force. 

            With these definitions in mind, I have some questions for men:

• When was the last time you felt afraid when walking alone out in public, especially after dark?

• Do you carry a weapon with you to keep yourself safe?

• Has someone ever told you that you shouldn’t wear a particular article of clothing when you go out? Have you ever had to rethink an outfit because it would garner too much attentionHas someone of the opposite sex ever followed you, cat-called you, or made you uncomfortable or worried about your well-being?

            Why do I ask? Most women fear walking to their cars at night. Every time I walk to my car in the dark, my heart races, and I constantly look left to right. I hold my keys between each finger, as I was taught to do, and I walk briskly. Women must look in the mirror most mornings and ask themselves, “Is this too revealing?” Women have to deal with men cat-calling them across the street or whistling at them from behind.

            All of these phenomena are a result of rape culture. By the end of this series, I hope that you will be able to see examples of rape culture in your daily life, understand that these cultural narratives dominate media, and take steps to help change these dynamics.

*Statistics from RAINN—the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization.

New Author, Good Blood

Today I’m happy to introduce you through Q and A to my former student, K Pastore, who recently published the novel  Good Blood  (Wipf and Stock).

K Pastore's debut novel released this winter. Great read!

Your main character is a girl caught in a culture of patriarchy and violence. How do you think she would respond to today’s political and religious misogyny?

Rosie goes from a place of ignorance to restraint and fear to activism. She’s definitely an activist, but not like in the writing-blog-articles or speaking-winsomely-in-front-of-a-crowd kind of way. She is very localized. She sees unjust actions done in front of her and names them as evil. But she doesn’t just condemn the individuals who act unjustly. Her main goal is redemption, redeeming the perpetrators from evil and leading them back to goodness. And sometimes that means arranging judgment and harsh consequences. I suppose today she would do just as she did then—love her enemies.

Good Blood takes place in a specific location—your hometown, New Castle. Yet, you didn’t live there as you wrote it. How does “place” affect your storytelling?

You’re right. I lived in Dallas and in LA while I wrote the book. At first, I think being far from New Castle helped me to “nostalgialize” it, which was important, especially for the first part of the book. But, more so, I believe specific places—like the house that you live in, your roommates, the pace at which people walk on the street—all of that creates a particular imaginative environment in which you ask specific kinds of questions and also give specific kinds of answers.

How does faith have an impact on your writing?

It’s an informed and aware leap done blindly. I trust that the way that I pray, embrace the saturation of God’s grace, love, study and serve will affect my writing. But I don’t really know what I truly think and feel about my faith until I see it come out through the actions or words of my characters.

You can follow the link above to the book's Amazon site. Congrats, K!