#MeToo: Just Another Trend?

My post for October 24 on the Engage blog at bible.org:

A lot of people think it all started on October 5, 2017, when the New York Times first broke the story accusing Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein of sexual harassment. Actually, as far as I know, the real first “Me Too” movement started a decade ago by the African-American activist Tarana Burke. And ten years from now, we’ll probably still need one.But about the recent one… Ten days after the NYT story hit, actress Alyssa Milano tweeted, “If you’ve been sexually harassed or assaulted write ‘me too’ as a reply to this tweet.”Soon, the #MeToo hashtag took over social media. Twitter alone had more than 500,00 uses. But Facebook had 12 million. Twelve. Million.I almost didn’t put the following post on Facebook. But I mustered the courage to hit “return”:  "So many have been groped, objectified, threatened, stalked, or violated at some point. Me too. And by the time I was 17, five of my friends had been raped—that I knew about. I believe you. #metoo"I went on to explain: In middle school two boys would stand together and daily comment on their assessment of my private body parts; in high school one of my dates drove us (against my will) to a remote place and kissed and groped me repeatedly, tho I told him in no uncertain terms to stop it; a male nurse lifted my blankets to peek at my body after surgery—till a doc in the recovery room who saw it called him out; a wrangler tried to grope me (after groping the two other women with me) while helping us off our horses; a student would not stop sending me inappropriate emails and letters. Etc.I almost didn’t post this to my FB wall, because my experience is way tamer than that of most women. But ultimately I told myself that this is not the Suffering Olympics. Nobody is competing for the worst abuse.I also almost didn’t post it, because women should not have to. But we live in an unideal world.And I had another reason for hesitating. People would think I was looking for sympathy.In the end, I decided to post anyway, for one reason: to normalize speaking up. And to de-normalize the abuse.Some wrote to remind me that God is in control. Amen. I never doubted that. But that was not a reason to remain silent.Some wondered if my post was rooted in bitterness. It wasn’t. But even if it was, that’s not the point.My speaking out, knowing my motives would be misunderstood, like that of many participants, was done to normalize speaking up in a context in which sexual harassment and abuse has been the “normal” it-happens-all-the-time-so-why-fight-it thing.One person told me there was nothing to be ashamed of. And of course that’s true. But I was and am absolutely not ashamed. I did nothing wrong. But even if I was or I did, that’s not the point.Many do feel shame. And that is part of the point of #MeToo. These women often think they are the only ones. Or if they did speak up at the time, people asked what they were wearing when they were violated. Or “were you walking alone”? As if such details forced the hand of their perpetrators, making the women complicit.The more people realize how widespread the problem is, hopefully the more they will believe those who come forward. And hopefully, the more people who have kept secret the wrong done to them can read others calling it wrong, they will recognize that what happened to them is not supposed to be normal.    Some have sought to make #MeToo a liberal vs. conservative thing, pointing to the hypocrisy of Hollywood and liberals. And sure, there’s plenty of that. But Hollywood and liberal politicians have no corner on the market when it comes to hypocrisy. You know who I’m talking about, right?Plus, Bill O’Reilly and Roger Ailes and Woody Allen and Bill Cosby still walk freely. So we have a lot of work left to do.One commenter said girls have to be taught to say no and tell. And that’s true. But boys also have to be taught that they must take responsibility for their actions. And that they can.The Weinstein travesty and #MeToo raises all sorts of issues about legitimate fears of speaking up and the reasons for it. One big reason violated women remain silent is that they risk character defamation, even though what happened wasn’t their fault.Our theology tells us we are all sinners. But we are also responsible for our choices… If we objectify others, if we fund the porn market, if we “banter,” if touch people's private parts without their consent, if we abuse power for sex, if we rape, if we blame others for our sin.... Guys are not helpless. And to suggest they are unable to control themselves on elevators and in alleys is an insult to men.I once walked through a village where a handsome, young man had to bathe in public in a barrel outside his home (he was poor). What did I do? I looked away. And walked away. If I had touched that guy, it would have been fully my fault. Even though he was naked in public. Which is why we must stop asking females who were raped what they were wearing or where they were when it happened. As if that had one whit to do with responsibility for the crime.Those of us who can speak up (and not all can for myriad reasons) have as our goal the normalizing of speaking up vs. allowing people to think that the evil behavior—anything from catcalls to groping to rape to holding women as sex slaves—is normal.Naming what happened for many has been the first acknowledgment of what was done to them, and helped them realize they have no reason for shame. A lot of women did that for the first time because of #MeToo.Many, many women who have spoken up in the past have been ignored. (Of course abuse happens to men; but, fortunately, they are usually believed.) Women are still being slandered. If someone accuses a famous man (and men with fame have more power, so are more difficult to hold accountable), people assume the accusation is fabricated. Rarely it might be. But #MeToo helps us demonstrate how often such abuse happens, so people realize the odds that a woman is telling the truth when she speaks up.Some say the whole #MeToo thing is just another fad, another trend that will change nothing.What if it is? “All sin and are falling short of the glory of God.” That won’t change. We will always have evil with us. But while we live in a devils-filled world that threatens to undo us, we are called to do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with our God. We are called to tell the truth in love. So we press on, often repeating and repeating what we’ve done and said before.The one thing we are not responsible for is the result.

Help Yourself to Mental Health

Carrying a lot of stress? There are lots of ways you can help yourself cope.Tell yourself the truth. Treat yourself with the same grace you would extend to others. If you make an error, instead of berating yourself, replace, “I’m an idiot,” with “Oops. I took a wrong turn.”Confess. Quit living with guilt. Acknowledge sin to God and apologize to people you’ve wronged. Make appropriate reparations.Care for your body. Take walks, jog, hit the gym. Physical health and aerobic exercise have a direct effect on mental health.Snack on veggies. Good nutrition affects physical health and outlook, too. So replace chips and sour cream dip with crackers and hummus.Sleep. Get to bed on time and transition off technology well before you need to be falling asleep.Get regular check-ups. See a doctor for hormone and mood checks and to monitor health conditions.Live in community. Even if you have no strong family connections, you can live as part of a community. Volunteer. Take a meal. Help set up chairs. Hold a baby. Teach Sunday school. Ask for help. For many, seeking out a counselor or friend who will listen requires courage. Acknowledging “I have a need” may take humility. But we were made to give and receive in relationships.Find what helps you relax. Maybe it’s a massage. Or reading comics. Or keeping a journal. Or watching old episodes of 1960s sit-com. Laughter, as they say, is the best medicine.Pray and meditate. Fill your mind with scripture through reading or listening to it on audio. Cast your cares on God, because he cares for you.

Rape Culture Series

Did you catch the series I ran on rape culture? If not, here are links to all the posts.

Part 1: Rape Culture 101

Part 2: Victim-Blaming and “Slut-Shaming”

Part 3: Saying “Yes” Isn’t Enough

Part 4: Consent vs. Non-Consent

Part 5: Rape Doesn’t Just Happen in Dark Alleys

Part 6: Popular Culture and Rape Culture

Part 7: Films and Rape Culture

Part 8: Books and Rape Culture

Part 9: Rape Culture and Language

Part 10: Rape Culture and Government

Part 11: Rape Culture and Our Schools

Part 12: Rape Culture and the Media

Part 13: Rape Culture: It’s Bigger Than We Think

Part 14: Rape: It’s a Weapon

Part 15: Rape Culture: A Sense of Entitlement

Part 16: Rape Culture: Almost Every Woman Has a Story

Part 17: Rape Culture: What Can We Do?

Part 18 of 18: Resources on Rape Culture

The True Beauty of Women

Whatever is true…think on these things.The Thai branch of a Japanese lingerie company, Wacoal, doesn’t feature scantily clad models in their ads. Instead, they tell true stories with life-affirming messages that everyone can watch and appreciate. The ads emphasize women’s true beauty. And the men in the stories are the kind of guys who appreciate goodness, and are not necessarily sexually involved with the women whom they admire and whose stories they tell. Check out the “My Beautiful Woman” ad campaign.

On Feminism and Evangelicalism

As part of my PhD research, I read Betty Friedan, heard Gloria Steinem in person, and spent a bunch of semesters exploring the history and teachings of feminism. And after I did so, I reached the conclusion that evangelicals in general need to pull back and regroup both in our representations of feminists and in our approach to reaching them.Just as there is not one "Christianity" but many Christianities (e.g., Orthodox, Catholic, Anglo-Catholic, Protestant, Lutheran, Armenian, Calvinist), there are many feminisms (liberal, radical, Marxist, socialist, lesbian, biblical, difference feminists [we are women—viva le difference! from men] and sameness feminists [we’re the same except for biology]), and more.Liberal feminists came out of the Equal Rights Movement. Betty Friedan was one of them. They are interested in equality, not to be confused with sameness. That is, they want the law to quit “seeing gender,” i.e., being biased against one sex or the other in terms of job opportunities, pay, child custody, and property ownership, for example. These feminists were never for unisex bathrooms, though I myself claimed they were in a scathing article I wrote against the ERA in college. I was wrong.Liberal feminism is concerned with attaining economic and political equality within the context of a capitalist society through reforming, improving, and changing existing systems. In Betty Friedan’s book, The Feminine Mystique, she gave voice to women wanting more for themselves than domestic tasks that had been stripped of much of their interesting work (which had long since been shipped off to factories) in such a society. Many Christians describe her as demeaning the vocation of homemaking, but that is not a fair representation. Friedan challenged the misogynistic presuppositions of Freudean psychoanalysis, arguing that women did not envy men’s penises, but rather their opportunities.[i]  A woman should not have to be a homemaker, she felt, if said woman doesn’t want to be one. And if she is one, she should not be told that her children are her entire identity.The number of books sold—three million in its first three years in print[ii]—demonstrated that Friedan had given voice to what many felt.The radical feminists, on the other hand, came out of the Peace Movement. They saw and see so much wrong with materialism/capitalism that they think we will never have equality under the law. Solution? Overhaul society. Radical feminism focuses on patriarchy as the main cause of women’s oppression and operates on the belief that the system is too deeply ingrained and corrupt to modify, so must be radically overthrown. So forget the liberals’ efforts to modify existing laws and work within the system. Radicals want to make noise, shake it up.That's why so many in this group are also big into environmentalism, sometimes Marxism, sometimes socialism, peace, and no nukes. A radical feminist professor of mine said to me, “There is much in Christianity that would oppose materialism too, right?”As the waters of second-wave feminism have receded, numerous puddles have remained, but every resulting feminism challenges some aspect of social, political, or economic structure.The different strains break down as follows:

• Liberal – Individual rather than collective. Seek reform, not revolution. Liberal feminists work within a capitalistic system, laboring to change laws to provide equal opportunities for males and females. A liberal feminist measures progress in the numbers of women and men occupying positions previously considered male-only or female-only. Liberal feminism is the most “mainstream” form of the many feminisms. While socialist feminists focus on collective change and empowerment, liberal feminists focus on individual change and empowerment. Liberal feminists tend to minimize gender differences, not necessarily from a belief that they don’t exist but from a belief that they shouldn’t matter legally.

• Radical – Collective rather than individual. Seeks revolution, not reform. Radical feminists believe the only way to achieve gender equality is to overhaul society. They see male domination of women as the most fundamental form of oppression, and they focus on understanding how men obtain and use power. Because radical feminism shares with socialist feminism the commitment to dramatic social change, radical feminism is often grouped with socialist feminism. Radical feminists view society as patriarchal and believe patriarchy must be transformed on all levels.

• Cultural – A subset of radical feminism is cultural feminism. Cultural feminists maximize gender differences. They tend to stress attributes associated with women's culture (e.g., caring, relationships, interdependence, community), insisting these attributes must be more valued. They reject what they consider unisex thinking in favor of affirming women’s essential femaleness. They tend to de-value virtues typically attributed to men such as domination, autonomy, authority, and independence.

• Socialist feminism – Collective rather than individual. Seek revolution, not reform. Whereas liberal feminists focus on empowering the individual, socialist feminists seek collective change and empowerment. Socialist feminists believe that capitalist societies have fundamental, built-in hierarchies, which result in inequalities. Thus, it's not enough for women individually to rise to powerful positions; instead power must be redistributed. True equality, they believe, will not be achieved without overhauls—especially economic overhauls.

• Marxist or materialist feminism – Collective rather than individual. Seek revolution, not reform. While generally opposed to Socialism, Marxist feminists have much in common with socialist feminists. Marxist feminism is based on Marxist views of labor reform. Like socialist feminists, they believe capitalism is the root of the problem, and power must be redistributed.

• Womanists – The mid-seventies saw the rise of womanism. Womanists emphasize women’s natural contribution to society (used by some in distinction to the term “feminism” and its association with white women). Womanists see race, class, and gender oppression as so interconnected that those who seek to overturn sex and class discrimination without addressing racism are themselves operating out of racism. And they tend to view arguments about whether moms can work as white, middle-class concerns.

Whatever the form, the vast majority of those seeking women’s equality are not man-haters. I heard Gloria Steinem say that one of her greatest frustrations is that she has been accused of being a man-hater, and she is most adamantly not, nor has she ever been. In fact, she said the saddest letters she receives are from male prison inmates empathizing with women who have been raped/oppressed, because they these men are finding themselves victimized behind bars, and they now identify with the suffering.See why I bristle when I hear evangelicals talk about “the feminists”?[i][i] Betty Friedan. The Feminine Mystique. (New York, NY: Dell Publishing Co., Inc., 1963.  See especially the chapter titled, “The Sexual Solipsism of Sigmund Freud.”[ii] Source: Ben Wattenberg, “The First Measured Century,” PBS.

The Table Podcast: Infertility & Pregnancy Loss

Dr. Julie Fuller and I talk with Dr. Darrell Bock about the marital, ethical, spiritual, and emotional challenges of infertility and pregnancy loss.

Drowning? Chris Can Help...

Today I'm happy to have as my guest Chris Maxwell, who has recently authored a new book about some deep trials he and his family have experienced and survived with some wisdom to share. 

Question: Tell us about your newest book, Underwater: When Encephalitis, Brain Injury, and Epilepsy Change Everything.

Chris:Underwater takes readers through my battle with encephalitis—a time I almost died, but lived and became a much different person. I now live with severe brain damage and epilepsy. Many things that were easy for me before I cannot do, or I find them difficult.My wife, Debbie, and all three of our sons contributed to the book. We included stories about how our lives changed as well as stories from others who live with epilepsy.  We also included advice from a counselor for caregivers—those family members and friends who are often forgotten in underwater stories.

Question:Underwater is an interesting title. Is there a story behind it?

Chris: Our son Taylor is a singer and songwriter. He wrote a song about how he felt while his father went through this struggle, and he titled the song “Underwater.” I planned to just let that be my working title while writing the book. But the publisher loved it, and Taylor gave us permission to use it.

Question: We've featured you here in the past. And I know this is your eighth book. You've also written lots of articles, and you have  edited and contributed content to many other books. Because it's so personal, was writing Underwater different? And if so, how.

Chris: It was not easy having to go through those experiences again. I interviewed family members, friends, doctors, counselors, and heard them describe me—the pre-illness me and the present me. I re-read my journal entrees. It was tough. But it needed to be a struggle so I could write a book through an honest lens. Reading all my medical reports hit me hard. I now work at a college, but because of my brain damage, many of my learning skills don't fit well with today's methods of learning. And when you struggle to remember names and have a variety of short-term memory issues, it is honestly embarrassing.My counselor said, “Writing this book had to be difficult for you. You had to go back through this painful experience from your past and honestly face your present struggles. How did it feel writing the book or, as you say, swimming underwater?”I answered with two words: “painfully healing.” We often miss out on our “painfully healing” encounters. It hurts to see a counselor. It is not soft or simple to seek therapy, accountability, or confrontation. It isn’t a thrill to read medical reports. It is not simple to address our pain. But, when we are willing, it can be therapeutic. We can bring a deeper healing to our inner struggles. No, it wasn't easy, but I am thankful I've visited again my life underwater.

Question: Why go through all that? To what purpose?

Chris: I wanted to write a book that I wish had been available for me and for my family when we went through this. We found books and websites with information, medical advice, explanations, and support groups. But I needed stories. I needed words written in ways this damaged brain could understand: the goals, the word structure, the suggestions. I needed real-life stories providing medical information in conversational style. And we wanted to bring inspiration to people going through similar situations—though their stories might include issues other than epilepsy.

Question: And the response from readers?

Chris: Many people—patients, caregivers, doctors, clergy—have thanked me for the honesty. They  thank me for revealing portions of life they were not aware of. A neurologist said, “Every doctor, every nurse, every clergy member, every teacher, and every governmental official needs a copy of Underwater. Remember, 1 in 26 people in the Unites States suffers epilepsy at some time in their lives. So, why aren’t we making more leaders aware of stories like yours?”

Question: In addition to directing Spiritual Life at Emmanuel College and writing, what other vehicles do you have for sharing your story?

Chris: Since leaving the senior pastorate after serving 19 years at a church in Orlando, I have been speaking in churches of many different denominations. Especially this year, I am speaking in conferences, colleges, churches, businesses, disability groups, missions organizations, and retreats. Schools have asked me to talk about unexpected adventures. Disease, disappointment, regret, addiction, disability, grief, relational pain, physical pain, mental pain, emotional pain. . . .  I seek to tell stories that allow us to cry together, laugh together, and find hope in the storms. I want us to swim together in our underwater adventures—through stories, thoughts, and confessions. I want us to come ashore together, seeking help from others instead of feeling alone.

Question: How can people order Underwater and/or contact you to speak?

Chris: Underwater is available on my website; or people can order the paperback or the eBook (the audiobook will be out soon) on Amazon. They can visit my Amazon page. They can reach me by email at CMaxMan11@gmail.com. My website is www.chrismaxwell.me. My twitter account is @CMaxMan and people can join my "Pause with Chris Maxwell" Facebook page. I hope your readers—whatever causes them to feel underwater—will find hope even in uncertain times.

Hear My Story on the ReStory Podcast Today

Thanks to my friend Mary DeMuth for hosting me on her ReStory podcast. Today I'm telling my story there. Check it out.

Thinking about Freezing Your Eggs?

In this video, WFAA-Dallas explores the emotional and technical process of women freezing their eggs to ensure future fertility. What do you think?

Wesley Hill on Christianity, Same-Sex Attraction, and Spiritual Friendship

Wes Hill has written two books I read and loved, Washed and Waiting and also Spiritual Friendship: Finding Love in the Church as a Celibate Gay Christian. On the Table podcast, Darrell Bock interviews him about the realities that led him to write both.

7 Views on the Role of Women w/in the Inerrancy Camp

My Engage blog post for October 25:

I'm speaking at an event today at which I'm outlining seven different views on the role of women held by those who hold to the verbal plenary inspiration of scripture:1. TRADITIONALISTSBelieve women are more easily deceived than men, but also masters at deceiving. Women are ontologically inferior to men at created level. “Women are the devil’s gateway.” — Tertullian. Augustine, Aquinas, John Knox, etc.COMPLEMENTARIANS (spectrum of about 4 views)Women equal before God, but in some form of hierarchy w/ men/ husbands. Authority = the issue w/ several views on the public ministry of women:2. Male "headship" – all men = "head" over all women. Speak of "male headship." Innate. At creation. Head = synonym for leader.3. Male "headship" in the church and home – husband head of wife + elders head over women in church and home (not necessarily in business, society)4. Husband "headship" only – husband has headship over wife. Would never apply the word "head" to any other human relationship. Note Koine had only one word for “wife” or “woman”—context determines which. Reference to asking “husbands” at home and “saved through childbearing” suggest wives, not woman, in view. Therefore, verses restricting women actually restrict only wives (e.g., “Let the wives keep silent in the churches…ask husbands at home”; “I am not allowing a wife to teach or have autonomous authority over a husband”)5. Husband = "head" (not headship) – Would not alter the word "head" to add "ship." See "head" as part of a metaphor, not a leadership picture. Oneness picture. But still embrace the idea that husband = authority of wife today6. SOME COMPLEMENTARIANS/EGALITARIANSNo hierarchy, but believe in voluntary submission of wife. Favor agape/submit language vs. head/submit or speaking only of "mutual submission" in marriage, though they see that too. Not head over wife, but head of wife. Note that LSJ Greek lexicon does not list "authority" as a possible synonym/definition for “head.”7. EGALITARIANSA. Those who argue synonym for “head” should be source/origin,* not authority. OR…B. Those who don't try to refute “head” understood as authority, but would view such usage as culturally influenced and not for all time.Speak only of “mutual submission” as the ideal in marriage. No limits on women in ministry.

* * *

Complementarians draw line between themselves and egalitarians at different paces:1. At bishop level. Bishop must be male. Don't necessarily have elders in their structure. The bishop might not even reside in their town. So the church may function with what looks like gender equality. But they still have that one position that must be filled by a male.2. At elder level. Women can preach with men present, as long as women are not elders. Elder board = ruling board. Emphasize that pastor/preacher is a spiritual gift, not an office. Woman may be preachers and speak “under authority” of male elders.3. At women preaching. Anyone who lets a woman preach with men in the room (some exceptions made for women who are famous) must be egalitarian.4. Ordination. “Anyone who ordains women must be egalitarian.”EGALITARIANS DEFINE COMPLEMENTARIANSAt hierarchy. Equality before God has human social ramifications. Reject any authority on basis of sex alone. So complementarian or traditionalist = anyone who believes in male hierarchy of any kind based on sexBoth camps believe in gender differences. Egalitarians believe those differences have no bearing on hierarchy in home/church. Complementarians believe those differences mean men/women have different roles relating to authority in home/church.Where do you fall? Have you worked through the passages and issues so you know where you stand and why?

"The Student Body": Do Students’ BMI Tests Do More Harm Than Good?

When Bailey Webber interviewed people for her new documentary, The Student Body, she took a set of bathroom scales with her. And every person with whom she spoke, she asked, “Would you be willing to step on the scales so we can get your BMI?” To a person, they balked. Most ultimately refused, though some reluctantly agreed.A lot of kids in our schools don’t get the choice to decline. And then a letter arrives notifying them that they are too skinny or too fat.In the ground-breaking and excellently produced film she made with her dad, Bailey, a young journalist, tackles the heated topic of childhood obesity and misguided efforts to solve our national childhood obesity epidemic.And just what are those misguided efforts? Lawmakers in dozens of states have passed mandates requiring schools to perform body mass index (BMI) tests on students and then send letters stating their results. Coined the “Fat Letters” by students, these notifications go to kids whose bodies fall outside a narrowly acceptable range, essentially notifying children, even as young as kindergarten age, that they are abnormal. Sometimes the results are devastating.When a determined sixth grader in Ohio voiced her protest against the mandatory weigh-ins and the embarrassing letters, Bailey took up the girl's fight. Bailey's investigation is chronicled in The Student Body, the story of how she and a friend took on law-makers for their fat-shaming. But in it she also explores the broader complexities of childhood obesity.Hosted by The National Eating Disorders Association, the award-winning father/daughter team who made this film have been honored by the National Association of University Women. Michael Webber is a motion-picture producer and renowned documentary filmmaker whose film, The Elephant in the Living Room, I reviewed here in 2011.Although makers of The Student Body acknowledge that obesity is a real national crisis, the Webbers’ stance is that requiring kids to reveal their weight at school in addition to receiving impersonal notifications is cruel and bully-like behavior. Good intentions, perhaps, but horrible execution.Webber does interview those who support the BMI screenings/notifications. But the film is definitely weighted toward those who believe the notifications cause damage.The film has excellent production values, a bit of humor, and it'll inspire your faith in the next generation of journalists. Watch it with a young person and have a great discussion. Look for screenings near you this fall (and in video next year) and check out The Student Body web site. 

A Great Film

Defying the Nazis: The Sharps' War tells the story of a US couple’s courageous private war against the Nazis in 1939.The Sharps, a Unitarian minister and his wife, are two of only five Americans honored as Righteous Among the Nations in Israel's Yad Vashem. You can watch their story online at PBS until October 5 by clicking on the above link.This film is the latest from Ken Burns, known for his style of using archival footage and photographs in documentaries. Defying the Nazis is an incredible story of great personal sacrifice.In this film you will see many similarities to the current social environment in America. How does an unlikely candidate rise quickly to power? How does racism thrive? Why don't people care for refugees? Is national security more important that children's lives? We've been here before.When you finish, read Auden's poem, September 1, 1939. We must love one another or die.

Life Is Hard, but God Is Good

In the past two months, I have buried my father and walked my daughter through open-heart surgery. The “windsock in her heart,” as her surgeon described it, that had blood flowing the wrong way, was apparently congenital, but we didn’t discover it till this past July. She is still in the hospital, but she made it great through surgery on Tuesday. So now, in my great relief, I have some time to reflect on the whirlwind that has been my life for the past two months.My overwhelming sense is that I’ve been covered in the love of God. The Almighty works with precise timing that may not always thrill us in the moment (surgery the day before my first day of classes!?), but in retrospect is always perfect, and designed for our greatest good. That my father died during the summer meant Oregon was beautiful (such beauty heals me), and I could stay as long as Mom needed me and work remotely. As for Alex’s surgery, I wanted it on Thursday instead of Tuesday, but now I’m thankful she will be stronger going into the holiday weekend, when hospital staff may not be the A Team.My second observation is that I’ve been covered in the love of Christ’s people. I spent a long time last night writing thank-you notes, and I’m sure I’ve failed to remember some folks who have helped us out. . . . And some of the people who have helped don’t even know me or that they helped. They are writers whose books have encouraged me. Three authors of two books especially come to mind.First is Dave Furman and his new work, Being There: How to Love Those Who Are Hurting (Crossway). Dave, a DTS grad, serves as the senior pastor of Redeemer Church of Dubai in the United Arab Emirates. His wife, Gloria, is a former student of mine.In 2006, Dave developed a nerve disorder in his arms that renders both of them nearly disabled—to the point where he can count on one hand the number of times he has held his four kids. In fact, they have to button his shirts for him. So he speaks with serious credibility about what does and doesn’t help. His chapter on what not to do is worth the price of the book. Our family has just come out of a season of care-giving for my Dad, and then we have been on the receiving end with our daughter. And I heartily agree with all his advice. Plus, he has a great perspective on suffering.The other two authors wrote a work that is actually not coming out till October 4 (I received an advance review copy). It’s a B&H release by Raechel Myers and Amanda Bible [yes, that's really her name] Williams titled She Reads Truth: Holding Tight to Permanent in a World That’s Passing Away. “She Reads Truth” was a community before it became a book. Four years ago, some strangers started reading Scripture daily, staying connected through the hashtag #SheReadsTruth. That gave way to a web site that led to an app. And today thousands open their Bibles and find Jesus in its pages every day.In the book by the same title, the founders share their stories about everyday life living in light of God’s permanence as the world passes away. Fathers die. Miscarriages happen. (Two stories with which I totally identify.) But God is with us, and he never changes. Nor does his love fade.What are you going through today? Christ promises, “I will be with you.” And if he is for you, who and what can prevail against you?

A Lesson from the Olympics

My Engage blog post this week:

Mo Farah, 33, said he thought his Rio 2016 Olympics "dream was over." This member of the Great Britain team was defending champ (London, 2012) of the 10,000m event, and he had every reason to believe he could win it again—until he tripped on his training partner and fell on the track.But rather than give up, Farah did something remarkable. He jumped back to his feet. And he didn’t just prove he could get up and make it to the finish line. No—he took off and ran for 16 more laps and pressed on to won the gold!The apostle Paul uses a running metaphor for the Christian faith in his letter to the Philippians: “Do everything without grumbling or arguing . . . though you live in a crooked and perverse society, in which you shine as lights in the world." How? "By holding on to the word of life [the torch?]. Why? "So that on the day of Christ I will have a reason to boast that I did not run in vain nor labor in vain” (2:14–17).The Philippians’ maturity was what Paul had to show for all his sacrifices—enduring hunger, persecution, loneliness, cold . . . And he likened his labor for them to training for a race.Elsewhere Paul gave training advice to the Corinthians. Bear in mind that in ancient Olympic events, there were no second- or third-place awards—the winner took all:“You know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize. So run to win!” (1 Cor. 9:24).One way to win is to get up when we fall rather than wallowing in our failure. Our falls may make it much more difficult to win, but we can still cross the line as champs.And how do we “train” to win? Paul tells us: “All those who compete in the games use self-control so they can win a crown” (v. 25). Runners who constantly indulge their minds and bodies with thoughts of defeat, inhaling crack cocaine, contracting STD’s, and snarfing up mounds of ice cream don’t win gold medals. Rather, champions control minds and bodies in order to cross the finish line first.In ancient times, the Olympic winner didn’t receive gold or a medal as his (it was always a “he”) reward. The winner’s prize was a crown woven of olive leaves from Mt. Olympus—leaves that would soon wilt. With the image of these wilted leaves in mind, read Paul’s words:“That crown is an earthly thing that lasts only a short time, but our crown will never be destroyed.”God rewards winners in the spiritual life with rewards we can enjoy for eternity. So, Paul’s advice? “I do not run without a goal . . . I treat my body hard and make it my slave so that I myself will not be disqualified after I have preached to others” (9:24–26).Do you share Paul’s goal? How can you make your body your slave so you can not only finish the race but win the imperishable crown?

The Only Child: #Doesn’tPlayWellWithOthers & Other Myths

My post yesterday at christianparenting.org: 

Jairus’s daughter. John Updike. Condoleezza Rice. Cary Grant. Chelsea Clinton. My grandmother. And my mother. Do you think “most selfish people in the world” when you hear these names and labels? Neither do I. But they were or are all only children. And the stereotype of only children is that they refuse to share, act spoiled, and hog the biggest bowl of ice cream.Fortunately, this caricature of only kids as brats with tiaras or ponies on the back forty has changed somewhat in the past four decades, in part because more people have “onlies.” Whereas 10 percent of American families had an only child in 1976, by 2014 that number had doubled. Some place the percentage as high as twenty-three. And in New York City, like other urban centers, the number is closer to 30 percent.Mothers with master’s degrees have more only children than mothers with less education. But that does not necessarily mean these moms opted for education over more kids. Lots of women, myself included, pursued higher education precisely because nothing was happening in the family-expansion department. Among my colleagues and students at the school where I teach, a disproportionate number of them are childless or have only one child. Of those whose stories I know, the vast majority were not by choice.Certainly, some couples do choose education and careers over larger families. After all, it costs $245,340 to raise a child, according to the U.S. Department of Agriculture. And that’s just from birth to eighteen years. Smaller family size also stems from starting later, as many delay marriage as compared with couples in the past.Nevertheless, neither of these factors had a thing to do with my own parent-of-an-only-child status. Our small family size was due to factors other than cost or education—factors like infertility, multiple pregnancy losses, and failed adoptions, not a lack of desire.But as we’ve parented an only child, we’ve discovered that the caricature was wrong. As it turns out, only children score quite low on narcissism and high on sociability indexes, meaning that in terms of relationships with their peers, they do better than just fine. They score even higher than firstborns on leadership ability and maturity, perhaps because they have no choice but to interact with adult models who tend to cheer on their achievements and affirm their self-images. And in fact, only children have higher IQs, on average, than those with siblings.“How will she learn to share…?” people would ask me about my daughter, as if they’d never heard of a church nursery or an educational classroom. Even only children have to take turns on the swing and jungle gym.In the self-centered category, only children are basically the same as oldest children. But different. That’s the conclusion Frank J. Sulloway, author of Born to Rebel, reached. He says that, like oldest children, only children tend to be more conservative, but, like the babies of the family, they innovate more. Only kids are the wild cards, he says. They have more freedom to define themselves than do others.The Draco Malfoy stereotype of the only child stemmed from the teachings of nineteenth-century psychologist G. Stanley Hall, who labeled being an only child as a disease. At the time Hall had a voice, psychoanalysis was all the rage. Yet while his theories have been debunked in the academic world, it sometimes takes magazines and news outlets about three millennia to catch up on data.So if singletons are more slandered than exceptionally selfish, what about the image of the “lonely only?” “Aren’t you afraid she’ll be lonely?” people would ask, eying my child and then my flat belly with pity. Those who knew of our situation wisely refrained from voicing such concerns, but strangers often made assumptions.Many parents of only children do fear that their child will be lonely both in childhood and adulthood. And these same parents are also often absolutely concerned that their child will be spoiled. But parents with many kids share some of these same concerns.Parents of “onlies” also fear that they themselves will die young, leaving their child orphaned in adulthood. Or they worry that they will linger for decades in poor health, strapping their child with the double burden of caring alone for two elderly parents. In short, they may fret about the future. And some of their concerns are similar to how singles feel.Some of these concerns, also, it turns out, parents of only children share with parents who have more than one child. Who will take care of me? Will I be a burden? I expressed just such a lament to a young Christian friend recently: “Who will take care of me when I’m old?”She turned to me and with a look of hurt in her eyes, as if to suggest “why would you even wonder?” and answered, “I will, Sandi. And the body of Christ.”The Lord told the children of Israel, “Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you” (Isa. 46:4). He’s the kind of God who still cares for his children today. And he does so through his people. Caring for the old and infirm among us is part of what it means to be pro-life.

Are You Ready for Rio? Aug 5–21

Can Any Good Thing Come Out of Nazareth?

The depiction from the USA had no Jesus at all.

My column on refugees/immigration ran in DTS Magazine recently: 

Standing in Nazareth's Basilica of the Annunciation, I gazed up at mosaics from all over the world. These works depicted the Virgin Mary with Jesus, and in each case Jesus bore the ethnic identity of the predominate group in the gifting country. That is, the art from Ecuador showed Jesus as Ecuadorian; the work from China, as Chinese; and the one from Thailand, as Thai. The baby Jesus from Slovenia even had red hair.The mosaics’ creators made these localized images to remind viewers that Jesus is “one of us”—which he is. Yet so many artists have depicted Jesus as white for so long with such far-reaching influence that many think of Jesus as white, even if unconsciously.

Taking the Blinders Off

There’s nothing inherently wrong with localized depictions of our Savior. Yet they can blind us to the reality that Jesus was born of a Jewish mother in the Middle East. And in a world of Roman power, he was so deeply Galilean that in the same city where I saw the diverse mosaics, two millennia earlier, Jesus slipped away into the crowd without detection (Luke 4:30).The olive-skinned Jesus knew how it felt to live as an outsider, to be “other.” He spent his first years in Egypt as a refugee who fled infanticide. When he relocated to Nazareth, he doubtless felt the sting of being “one of the new kids in town.” Later, he experienced being homeless. And if that weren’t enough, consider how he probably spoke. At Jesus’s trial in Jerusalem, Peter, another Galilean, heard someone say, “Your accent gives you away” (see Mark 14:66–70).The one who is “one of us” in his humanity was also wholly “other.”

Build Strong Partnerships

Years ago, members of my church took a spring-break trip to a border town, Nuevo Laredo, Mexico. Every night after walking dusty roads with members of our sister church, our team crossed back into the United States, where we had a discount on lodging. But something about the experience made us feel unsettled, so we took Octavio Esqueda (MACE, 2000) with us the following year, and we asked him to help us build a better relationship.At the end of our week together, Octavio did have some suggestions, and our choice to follow them led to a stronger partnership that benefited us all for decades. First, incarnating Christ means “presence,” he said. “So stay on the Mexico side. Otherwise, it feels like you’re ‘fleeing to safety’ every night.” Second, instead of scheduling the trip for spring break—the most convenient time for us—he advised going over Christmas.True, that was a terrible time for Americans, but in Mexico, nobody would have to take time off work to cook beans or translate for us, and people would have extra relatives in town, meaning extra tamales, and extra nieces and nephews happy to attend Christmas programs. Next, quit calling the work a “mission” trip; call it a “ministry trip.” Finally, invite members of the Mexico church to help us in Dallas so we would recognize that we were equal beneficiaries of each other’s help.

Move Toward Unity

Jesus prayed that we all might be one (John 17:21). And a move toward unity across barriers—whether ethnic, geographical, social, physical, or spiritual—means we must acknowledge that we all have forms of blindness. So we must ask questions and listen; serve, instead of expecting others to accommodate us; and learn from each others’ perspectives.The kingdom of heaven is upside down. Our king was a Middle Eastern, persecuted, homeless, refugee outsider who tells us that to serve the naked and the poor is to serve him.We all have prejudice in our hearts; often we have biases we don’t even know about. But—good news—our Lord loves and changes bigots. Recall that when a man named Nathanael from Cana (John 21:2) insulted Jesus’s adopted hometown with, “Can any good thing come out of Nazareth?” (1:46, NASB), Jesus invited him to join the Twelve. Our Lord in his grace even gave this man a glimpse of his own identity as the Christ: “You will see the heavens opened and the angels of God ascending and descending on the Son of Man” (v. 51, NASB).When we humble ourselves and celebrate unity in diversity, we ourselves benefit; and we can give others a glimpse of the reality that something truly fantastic came from Nazareth.

My Favorite Parenting Advice

My husband and I cut our chops in vocational ministry by serving teens and college students. So long before we brought home a baby of our own, we saw the kind of parent/child conflicts that can tear apart the strongest of families. Because we paid our way through grad school in part by “housesitting” in some homes that came with kids while parents traveled, we had a solid dose of parenting experience before we ever got started. There was the toddler who cried the entire weekend because he had separation anxiety. There was the daughter who took off to go camping with the boys’ baseball team. And I can’t forget the drug-using son who jumped out his second-story window, broke into his brother’s car, stole it, and took it four-wheeling in the river. The next morning, he swaggered up the front sidewalk as if nothing had happened.Other people’s kids had shown us that parenting could be tough. And during those fifteen years before we brought home our own child, we also saw that parenting fads came and went. So when it came time for us to parent, we wanted a guide with timeless advice and that was flexible enough to cover life’s complexities. And an experienced parent gave us a great recommendation. At one of our baby showers, the mother of three shared a devotional thought that stuck with me. She said, “Feel free to read the parenting books and gain what you can from them. But for truly timeless wisdom, go to the Book of Proverbs.”It helped that we understood how proverbs function–as wise sayings, not promises. They can even seem to contradict each other, like our own proverbs do: “Too many cooks spoil the broth,” and “Many hands make light work.” But it’s this very flexibility—which leaves room for personalized wisdom—that we have needed.Are you ready for the proverb that has helped us most? Train up a child in the way s/he should go . . . (Prov. 22:6).Do I hear you groaning? Doubtless you’ve heard this verse over-quoted, twisted, and misused. Me, too. But it has still helped. A lot. Because “in the way she should go” has given us the freedom to personalize the training for our daughter instead of the faceless-generality, generic child the experts had to write about. Ours was different. Daily we have had to ask for wisdom, and often that wisdom has led to going against the traditional grain.For example, most kids figure at an early age that a relationship exists between cause and effect. Ours did not. Most kids eventually catch on that they want to avoid time out. Ours simply added to her crimes by running out of that corner. Most kids like happy surprises; ours hated any change in the schedule unless it came with a full-day’s notice. And all this meant we have not been able to go with generalized advice. We’ve needed to parent our daughter in the way she’s needed parenting.Because of her difficulty connecting cause and effect, she had no real sense of time. So we ended up letting her take more than a year to earn the Barbie car she wanted via chores and good behavior. (I don’t mean the miniature car that Barbie would sit in; I mean the kind preschoolers drive—that costs more than $100.) Others advised us to go for a smaller goal, one that would bring our girl more immediate gratification. But all she really wanted was that car. And she did not see a problem with waiting a year. She understood only that we were saying “no.” So eventually we went with the motivator that worked for her. And you should have seen her smile when she drove that pink car down the sidewalk for the first time—eighteen months later.Also, every expert I had read said, “never spank when potty training.” If it was taking a long time, they said, chill out—the kid will figure it out before college. So we tried being chill. We tried staying home for weeks to keep on schedule. We tried it all. All. For months . . . and months . . . Eventually our daughter was big enough to practically change her own diaper. I’m not exaggerating. And we reached the point at which she was going to be kept out of a program that would benefit her because it disallowed kids still using diapers. And I saw our situation for the power struggle it was. Maybe other kids needed their parents never to go there. But I was training up this child. And I knew her well enough to see that defiance was at the root of our issue. A couple of swift swats on the bottom of a stunned child pretty much instantly put an end to our months of potty-training issues.We found out when our daughter was seventeen that, as it turns out, she literally does not process life like most other kids. When the geneticist who diagnosed her met with us, I wept when he said, “You have been wonderful parents.” I hadn’t realized how much doubt was telling me, “Surely that many experts can’t be wrong” while over and over I’d felt I had no choice but to go against conventional wisdom. But sometimes a parent just knows.So as it turns out, my favorite parenting expert is Solomon. Yeah, he had some problems with his family life. But he still figured out that “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom” (Prov. 9:10). And he knew “one size fits all” was lousy parenting advice. Definitely seek counsel. We’re glad we did. But know that the best expert, the one most capable of sifting through and personalizing what your child needs is a prayerful, involved, attentive you.

What If Men/Women Switched Roles?

Watch till the end to see the power of imagination and empathy.