You Can Help Bring Healing

Authenticity Book House (ABH) has agreed to secure translation for my friend Mary DeMuth's book, Not Marked: Finding Hope and Healing after Sexual Abuse. Their plan is to translate the book into Spanish, Mandarin, and Marathi (India).Not only does ABH pay a translator on the ground in the targeted language group, giving him or her much-needed income, but they also foresee getting the book into the hands of sexually exploited people, either for free or at a nominal cost.This all costs money, so ABH is doing a crowdfunding campaign to bring in needed funds, 100% of which go directly to the translation projects.In several of the targeted language groups, it is taboo even to speak of abuse, and prosecution is rare. Victims feel violated, alone, and dirty, not realizing that they are worthy of healing, or that someone else understands. Not Marked has brought hope to many, opening the door to genuine healing. Maybe you can help? 

Bathsheba's Story: How I changed my perspective

Today we have a guest post from one of my former students, Sarah Bowler. I served as one of her thesis readers, and she did some brilliant work, a sampling of which you'll find here: 

Bathsheba’s story captures our attention. Painters, such as Jean-Léon Gérôme or Rembrandt, have depicted her bathing provocatively. Actress Susan Hayword brought her story to life in the 1951 film “David and Bathsheba,” nominated for five Academy Awards. Authors speculate on her life in historical fiction works.

I’ve even stumbled across various forms of this social media meme (see photo).

Notice the words “David had an affair,” a fairly common phrase. I thought little of it the first time I saw the meme, but when I conducted research for my thesis on Bathsheba, my perspective changed.

I started with the notion that Bathsheba tends to get a bad rap. I had always figured the details regarding her responsibility in the situation were ambiguous, and thus we should be careful with assumptions about her character. But the more I delved into the biblical text the more I realized her story wasn’t as ambiguous as I thought.

For example:

We often say Bathsheba bathed on top of a roof. >>> The text and cultural studies indicate she was probably in an enclosed courtyard.We portray Bathsheba naked. >>> The Hebrew word is ambiguous. She could have been washing her hands or her feet only (while fully clothed).We view Bathsheba as a woman whose immodesty caused a king to stumble. >>> We should instead view David as a “peeping Tom.”We point out that Bathsheba “came to the palace.” >>> We fail to mention David sent messengers (plural) to fetch her.We tend to call the situation an affair. >>>The evidence from the text suggests it was rape.We bestow upon Bathsheba partial blame. >>> The biblical author placed the blame fully on King David.

But why do the details of one story really matter? Does our view of Bathsheba affect how we live out our Christian faith? I believe it does.

As I researched, I found current examples in which Christian writers and editors failed to be empathetic toward victims and demonstrated a “lack of understanding and discernment in regard to sexual predation, child abuse and rape culture mentality” (quote from: Heather Celoria).

Even sadder, some spiritual leaders rape or sexually abuse young women, and many of the victims still receive partial blame in situations where a spiritual leader is fully at fault.

How we interpret biblical narratives affects how we interpret events around us.

Now, when I hear phrases like “David had an affair” or “Bathsheba bathed on a roof,” I don’t just simply think about how she gets a bad rap. I think about how she was an innocent victim, and I think about the “modern day Bathshebas” who exist today.

Bathsheba’s story ought to prompt careful thought because the repercussions of allowing negative stereotypes to persist are very real. I long for the day when believers eradicate the line of thinking where the victim shares partial blame for a perpetrator’s sin.

One step toward that end is sharing the “true” Bathsheba story.

Mary DeMuth: Not Marked

Happy birthday to my friend, Mary DeMuth! Today also marks the launch of her crowd-sourced book, Not Marked. Here's what Mary has to say about it:

I'm humbled and grateful to be here today. A huge thank youto Sandra for allowing me to share my heart.

A little background: I've sharedmysexual abuse story in the past few years, but I haven't always beenso open. Initially I kept it silent for a decade, then over-shared, then wentsilent another decade. The healing journey hasn't been easy, but it has beengood.

About a year ago, I sensed God wanted me to be bold insharing about sexual abuse. I wrote "TheSexy Wife I Cannot Be" on Deeper Story,which went crazy (so many comments), followed by "I'mSick of Hearing About Your Smoking Hot Wife" on ChristianityToday. The overwhelming response [editor's note: Huffington Post ran a piece that mentioned it] to those two posts prompted me towrite Not Marked: FindingHope and Healing after Sexual Abuse.

The book proved too risky for publishers, so Idecided to crowdfund it, which turned out to be an amazing success. Icannot believe that now I can hold Not Marked in my hands,and also offer it to you. What'sunique about it: It's written from the perspective of a survivor. Itdoesn't offer cliche answers. It's honest. And my husband shared his uniquejourney of how to walk a loved one through their healing from sexual abuse.

The following is an excerpt from Not Marked—two commonlyasked questions I get about recovering from past sexual abuse.

I don’t understand how any good canpossibly come from the sexual abuse I experience as a kid and as a teen. Andwhen I share my story, I often wonder if those people have any idea how much Ihurt.

Oh, I have felt your pain, and there are days I still remain in those samequestions.

Whatgood can come from suffering?

Forpart of that answer I go back to Job, who lost everything—his children, hislivelihood, his health, his will to live. He heard God at the beginning of hisordeal, but the scripture says he sees God at the end. That’s what I want. Tosee God. Counterintuitively, I see God in the midst of my trials much more thanI see Him in my prosperity. Those trials in my life drove me to God. Notfinding appropriate love made me long for perfect love. Feeling alone helped mereach my hand to a God who was there. When I think about it that way, I beginto thank God for the trials because they plunge me back into His embrace.

Still,if I believe God is omnipotent, loving, and omnipresent, I have a hard timereconciling why He would allow a child to be abused. After all, as a parent, Iwould do anything to prevent abuse in my kids. So why wouldn’t God? I don’thave adequate answers even today. However, I’ve come to the place where I havechosen to rest in God’s paradoxical plan. The truth is He will redeem it. Howhe accomplishes that is different for each person. Please know that these wordsI write are not flip or throwing out pat answers. These understandings havebeen hard won.

Dopeople have any idea how much you hurt? Probably not. Not everyone willunderstand your story. Not everyone will have empathy. And it’s unfair toexpect they will. Other victims may come close to understanding your pain. Butthe only One who truly understands exactly how you feel is God. So pour outyour pain to him.

Mindif I pray for you?

Lord, why? Why do You allow rape inpeople’s lives like you do? Help us to wrestle long enough so that we nestleonce again in Your arms. Be the protector we need. Help us to work through thequestions. I pray they drive us closer to You, not further away. Lord Jesus,redeem these awful parts of our story. Make them sing. Use us to touch many,many women with Your grace. But we need to be filled with Your grace first.Fill us to overflowing. Right now. In this moment. Shower us with Yourunconditional love. Help us see ourselves as You see us: spotless, beautiful,worthy of redemption. Amen.

 I don’t understand why sex could possiblybe considered good. It only makes me feel used. What’s your take?

Ihave to go back to the book of Genesis to see how sex was intended to be verygood. Unfortunately, after the fall of humanity, even the most intimate actbecame tainted with power struggles, abuse, and all sorts of darkness. To behonest, I still struggle with understanding the benefit of sex outside ofprocreation. But as I grow in my marriage, in that mutually beneficial place ofsurrender, I am beginning to glimpse its beauty. Sex is fun. Sex brings mecloser to my husband in a way nothing else does, binding me completely to him.Sex means pleasure. It provides release, particularly from stress. It helps ustake our minds off a crazy day. It teaches us servanthood and kindness. It caneven be funny.

Thatbeing said, I don’t think only sexual abuse victims struggle with sex beingbeautiful. In our subculture, we’ve been taught it’s a dirty no-no for so manyyears, that turning that switch from taboo to terrific isn’t easy.

Somany people feel as you do, that sex isn’t good, that it’s an act where oneperson takes and the other gives more than she wants. Feeling used is verynormal for a sexual abuse victim, and the shift from used to tolerable toenjoyable takes a lot of time. Part of that is re-training your mind that Godcreates good things—sex included. It’s recognizing that you experiencedviolation, and that violation warped sex for you. Pursuing healing and daringto go to the dark places eventually brings light to sex’s beauty.

Not Marked (e-version) 
Not Marked (print version)
The book's website 

Part 1: Rape Culture 101

I met Toria, our guest blogger, via a podcast I recorded as a guest of Game On Girl. As part of that discussion we discussed “rape culture.” And that led to this series in which she helps us consider what rape culture is and what we can do about it. For a history of how we got here, check out this article. And now, Toria... 

“Rape culture.” These two words aren’t often thought of as going well together. Most people (sadly, not all) know that rape is a crime, and most associate culture with the arts, humanities, philosophy, and other intellectual and creative pursuits. Putting these two words together completely negates the positive connotation of culture. When you strip that away, what do you have? I will start to defining both “rape” and  "culture," as “culture” has a huge number of definitions depending on whom you ask and which dictionary you use. I will use two dictionary definitions that apply directly to this discussion.

 

Rape:the unlawful compelling of a person through physical force or duress (threats, violence, constraints, or other action brought to bear on someone to do something against their will or better judgment) to have sexual intercourse.

 

Culture:development or improvement of the mind by education or training; the behaviors and beliefs characteristic of a particular social, ethnic, or age group.

I want to emphasize two words in particular relating to the first definition of culture: “education” and “training.” These words are the very essence of rape culture.

Confused? “We are always taught that rape is bad,” you might be thinking, or “What does training have to do with rape? You can’t be trained to become a rapist.”

A couple of years ago, I would have agreed wholeheartedly with you. The problem is that neither statement is wholly true.

Before I go any further, I’m going to make a disclaimer: Anyone can rape, and anyone can be raped, regardless of sex or gender; however, statistics show that the majority of rapists are male and the majority of victims are female. This series has been written bearing that in mind, but please know that I acknowledge that men can also be victims and women can also be perpetrators. In addition, much of this piece will also apply to sexual assault and sexual abuse, and some sections can also apply to domestic violence.

A couple other quick definitions, just to differentiate between some common terms:

Sexual assault

is causing another person to engage in an unwanted sexual act by force or threat; groping, non-consensual kissing / touching of a sexual nature, etc. (This includes rape.) This is an umbrella term for most sex-related crimes, generally used for a one-time or short-term series of events.

 

Sexual abuse

involves anything that constitutes sexual assault, but is generally long-term or recurring. This type of sexual crime is more common in families and relationships than among individuals who are strangers to each other.

*   *   *

I have some questions for any men who are reading this series:

•       When was the last time you felt afraid while walking alone out in public, especially after dark?

•       Do you carry a weapon with you to keep yourself safe?

•       Has someone ever told you that you shouldn’t wear a particular article of clothing when you go out? Have you ever had to rethink an outfit because it would garner too much attention?

•       Has someone of the opposite sex ever followed you, cat-called you, or made you uncomfortable or afraid for your well-being?'

Why do I ask? Because there are very few women who don’t become more wary when they are out alone at night, who haven’t considered carrying pepper-spray or held keys between each of their fingers like claws while walking to their cars, who haven’t had to re-evaluate their clothing choices because they might “send the wrong message,” and who haven’t had at least one guy make them fear for their lives. Because approximately one in five women (some studies even say one in four women) in the United States has reported being raped or sexually assaulted at least once in her life.'

Why?

Because we live in what is known as a rape culture. Rape culture is best and most simply described as a system that benefits rapists more than it does their victims. It doesn’t make sense for criminals to receive more favorable treatment than the people they victimized, but it happens daily in a number of different ways through the media, our justice systems, our education systems, our governments, and individuals like you and me. It is my hope that by the end of this series, you will be able to see this when it happens, and that you will understand the implications.

Rethinking the Bathsheba Story

The new issue of Prism is out, and in it, an article thattakes a fresh look at the Bathsheba story. The article begins like this:

 “How much responsibility did Bathsheba have in thataffair? After all, she was bathing where David could see her!” I have heardthis line, and others like it, many times in the course of my evangelicalupbringing and education—the David and Bathsheba story used as an example of“why women should be modest” and “how temptresses can bring down godlyleaders.” But that’s not what the story is about.  It’s a story of a woman being sexually abused by a man in power.

Abuse and Healing

My latest Tapestry post is about a courageous person who has not allowed sexual abuse to define her.

For another post on sexual abuse, go here: What a Girl Wants.

Give Your Opinion

Christianity Today International is conducting a groundbreaking national survey on attitudes about sex offenders in churches. Let them know what you think. Take the survey now and get a free download “Child Sexual Abuse Response Plan”: http://bit.ly/9MJC7E

Thin Places

Every two minutes, someone in the U.S. is sexually assaulted and of the millions of sexual abuse and rape victims, 15 percent are under the age of 12, according to a 2007 study by the U.S. Department of Justice. My friend Mary DeMuth is among the millions of adults who are victims of childhood rape and are living with the emotional scars of the haunting abuse.

DeMuth shares her story in a new memoir, Thin Places. Repeatedly raped by two neighborhood boys, DeMuth details her disturbing childhood. Raised in a broken home, she lost her biological father when she was ten and was stripped of her innocence growing up in a drug-filled environment.

But Thin Places is about hope and healing more than it is about the traumatic events of DeMuth’s childhood. According to DeMuth, thin places are “snatches of time, moments really, when we sense God intersecting our world in tangible, unmistakable ways.” After she encountered the love of Jesus Christ at a Young Life camp, DeMuth’s life changed. God reassembled the pieces of her emotionally fragile self, which initiated true healing and peace.

“Folks may wonder why I’ve spent all this time looking back,” says DeMuth. “This is my way of...telling the stark truth on the page so others can be set free.”

DeMuth’s desire is to see readers set free from their family secrets. In light of that, she’s started a blog for readers to anonymously share their family secrets. Since the blog launched a little over a year ago, more than 200 survivors have emailed their family secrets for DeMuth to anonymously post. For more information, visit: http://blog.myfamilysecrets.org.

Learn more about Mary at http://marydemuth.com.