When Mother's Day Never Comes

Often the worst day of the year for an infertile woman is Mother’s Day. On this holiday going to a house of worship can feel more like going to the house of mourning.During the decade when my husband and I experienced infertility treatment, lost multiple pregnancies, and endured three failed adoptions, I found it difficult enough to see all the corsages on M-Day. But then the pastor asked mothers  to stand, and I remained conspicuously seated. Some years the worship leader would even call for the youngest mother to stand, and then he smiled awkwardly as a sixteen- or seventeen-year-old unmarried teen got to her feet. On such occasions I would sit wondering about God’s mysterious ways of supply and demand. Following most such services, each mother would receive a carnation as she headed out the door. But to exit she first had to answer “yes” to the question, “Are you a mother?”On a number of occasions, however, I experienced Mothers’ Day as a day of grace. On the one following my first miscarriage, a message in the church bulletin said, “The altar flowers today are given with love and acknowledgement of all the babies of this church who were conceived on earth but born in heaven and for all who have experienced this loss.” The couple who dedicated these flowers had six children, and through their validation of our pain, we caught a glimpse of the one who is acquainted with grief. The husband crossed the aisle and stood by my husband during the music. And with tears streaming down our faces, we found new strength to bring our sacrifice of praise.On several Mother’s Days, a pastoral prayer has included requests that on this special day God would bless the motherless children, those bereft of mothers, mothers estranged from their children, infertile women, and those who wish to become mothers but must wait on God’s timing. Apparently someone figured out that about half the church was mourning along with the celebration. On such occasions I felt like I belonged.One year during Mothers’ Day, I was with a mission team in Culiacán, Sinaloa, Mexico. A man stood at the door after the service handing out carnations to all the mothers. Having heard that my husband and I had just experienced another pregnancy loss, he looked at me through misty eyes and thrust his entire bouquet in my hands.My niece, who is married without children, calls the holiday “mothering day.” In this way she broadens the meaning, making it inclusive enough to include all who nurture. And this seems a fitting practice for the church. We are family. The one without a mother finds mothers in Christ. The parent without children finds children in Christ. Families of one and of twenty all find a broader family in Christ.My mourning on M-Day was not because I wished in any way to diminish our practice of honoring mothers for the thankless work they do. (I myself have one of the best moms on the planet, and it is a joy to honor her.) I wished only for the Body of Christ to find ways to acknowledge our mothers’ sacrifices without inflicting unnecessary pain on those who mourn.This Sunday, we have the opportunity once again to minister grace both to the one in six couples who experience infertility and to the rest of those who experience Mother’s Day as a day of grief. May we rise to the occasion. Because while the preacher in Ecclesiastes tells us it is better to go to the house of mourning than to the house of feasting (Eccl. 7:2), it is also better if that house of mourning is full of empathic family members. As they reach out with the arms and tear ducts of Christ, we remember what will always be true about us: We are not alone.

In Which I Talk with Good News Radio about Infertility

The Good News with Angie Austin

Follow the link. The segment with me starts at 20:18.  

A Man and Miscarriage

Christianity Today ran an interesting first-person piece by a man whose wife had a miscarriage. I'm not sure he can speak for all guys, as he seemed to do, and I wasn't crazy about his conclusion—seemed sort of vague. But I appreciated how he articulated his experience. See if you agree.

Hear Me on KCBI: Infertility, Pregnancy Loss, and Adoption

Tune in to KCBI 90.9 FM tonight at 6:30 or 10:30 PM Central for a continuation of last week's conversation lwith Dr. David Henderson about infertility,  pregnancy loss, and adoption. 

You can also listen to the broadcasts about a week after they air by going to the Criswell website at www.forchristandculture.com . Click on the “on air” tab and scroll down to the date of the programs, May 23 and 30 .

Listen: Radio Show on Infertility

Tune in to KCBI 90.9 FM tonight at 6:30 or 10:30 PM Central (and next Thursday at the same time) to hear me talking with Dr. David Henderson about infertility, pregnancy loss, and adoption. 

You can also listen to the broadcasts about a week after they air by going to the Criswell website at www.forchristandculture.com . Click on the “on air” tab and scroll down to the dates of the programs, May 23 and 30.

When Mother's Day Never Comes

Standing in solidarity today with those who experience this day as a painful one, especially those who want children and for whatever reason are unable to have them. Read my Tapestry post by going here.

When Mother's Day Never Comes

Often the worst day of the year for an infertile woman isMother’s Day. On this holiday going to a house of worship can feel more likegoing to the house of mourning.

During the decade when my husband and I experienced infertilitytreatment, lost multiple pregnancies, and endured three failed adoptions, Ifound it difficult enough to see all the corsages on M-Day. But then the motherswere asked to stand, and I remained conspicuously seated. Some years theworship leader would even call for the youngest mother to be acknowledged, andthen smile awkwardly as a sixteen- or seventeen-year-old unmarried teen wouldstand. On such occasions I would sit wondering about God’s mysterious ways of supplyand demand. Following most such services, each mother would receive a carnationas she headed out the door. But to exit she first had to answer “yes” to thisquestion: “Are you a mother?”

On a number of occasions, however, I experienced Mothers’Day as a day of grace. On the one following my first miscarriage, a message inthe church bulletin said, “The altar flowers today are given with love andacknowledgement of all the babies of this church who were conceived on earthbut born in heaven and for all who have experienced this loss.” The couple whodedicated these flowers had six children, and through their validation of ourpain, we caught a glimpse of the one who is acquainted with grief. The husbandcrossed the aisle and stood by my husband during the music. And with tears streamingdown our faces, we found new strength to bring our sacrifice of praise.

On several Mother’s Days, a pastoral prayer has includedrequests that on this special day God would bless the motherless children,those bereft of mothers, mothers estranged from their children, infertilewomen, and those who wish to become mothers but must wait on God’s timing.Apparently someone figured out that about half the church was mourning alongwith the celebration. On such occasions I felt like I belonged.

One year during Mothers’ Day, I was with a mission team inCuliacán,Sinaloa, Mexico. A man stood at the door after the service handing outcarnations to all the mothers. Having heard that my husband I had justexperienced another pregnancy loss, he looked at me through misty eyes and thrusthis entire bouquet in my hands. 

My niece, who is married without children, calls the holiday“mothering day.” In this way she broadens the meaning, making it inclusiveenough to include all who nurture. And this seems a fitting practice for thechurch. We are family. The one without a mother finds mothers in Christ. Theparent without children finds children in Christ. Families of one and of twentyall find a broader family in Christ.  

My mourning on M-Day was not because I wished in any way todiminish our practice of honoring mothers for the thankless work they do. (Imyself have one of the best moms on the planet, and it is a joy to honor her.) Iwished only for the Body of Christ to find ways to acknowledge our mothers’ sacrificeswithout inflicting unnecessary pain on those who mourn.

This year on the second Sunday in May, we have the opportunityonce again to minister grace not only to the one in six couples who experienceinfertility but also to the rest of those who experience Mother’s Day as a dayof grief.  May we rise to the occasion.Because while the preacher in Ecclesiastes tells us it is better to go to thehouse of mourning than to the house of feasting (Eccl. 7:2), it is also betterif that house of mourning is full of empathic family members. As they reach outwith the arms and tear ducts of Christ, we remember what will always be trueabout us: We are not alone.   

Recurrent Pregnancy Loss

My friend Dorian sent me a link to a good article over at CNN about recurrent pregnancy loss. You can read it here.

And you can also find my web site resources on infertility/pregnancy loss here.

Pregnancy Loss: Free Bible Study

For the past decade friends at Threads of Hope have been selling a Bible study for those experiencing pregnancy loss. Now they have decided to make it available for free via download. It's intended for both group and individual use. You can download it here.