My Favorite Parenting Advice

My husband and I cut our chops in vocational ministry by serving teens and college students. So long before we brought home a baby of our own, we saw the kind of parent/child conflicts that can tear apart the strongest of families. Because we paid our way through grad school in part by “housesitting” in some homes that came with kids while parents traveled, we had a solid dose of parenting experience before we ever got started. There was the toddler who cried the entire weekend because he had separation anxiety. There was the daughter who took off to go camping with the boys’ baseball team. And I can’t forget the drug-using son who jumped out his second-story window, broke into his brother’s car, stole it, and took it four-wheeling in the river. The next morning, he swaggered up the front sidewalk as if nothing had happened.Other people’s kids had shown us that parenting could be tough. And during those fifteen years before we brought home our own child, we also saw that parenting fads came and went. So when it came time for us to parent, we wanted a guide with timeless advice and that was flexible enough to cover life’s complexities. And an experienced parent gave us a great recommendation. At one of our baby showers, the mother of three shared a devotional thought that stuck with me. She said, “Feel free to read the parenting books and gain what you can from them. But for truly timeless wisdom, go to the Book of Proverbs.”It helped that we understood how proverbs function–as wise sayings, not promises. They can even seem to contradict each other, like our own proverbs do: “Too many cooks spoil the broth,” and “Many hands make light work.” But it’s this very flexibility—which leaves room for personalized wisdom—that we have needed.Are you ready for the proverb that has helped us most? Train up a child in the way s/he should go . . . (Prov. 22:6).Do I hear you groaning? Doubtless you’ve heard this verse over-quoted, twisted, and misused. Me, too. But it has still helped. A lot. Because “in the way she should go” has given us the freedom to personalize the training for our daughter instead of the faceless-generality, generic child the experts had to write about. Ours was different. Daily we have had to ask for wisdom, and often that wisdom has led to going against the traditional grain.For example, most kids figure at an early age that a relationship exists between cause and effect. Ours did not. Most kids eventually catch on that they want to avoid time out. Ours simply added to her crimes by running out of that corner. Most kids like happy surprises; ours hated any change in the schedule unless it came with a full-day’s notice. And all this meant we have not been able to go with generalized advice. We’ve needed to parent our daughter in the way she’s needed parenting.Because of her difficulty connecting cause and effect, she had no real sense of time. So we ended up letting her take more than a year to earn the Barbie car she wanted via chores and good behavior. (I don’t mean the miniature car that Barbie would sit in; I mean the kind preschoolers drive—that costs more than $100.) Others advised us to go for a smaller goal, one that would bring our girl more immediate gratification. But all she really wanted was that car. And she did not see a problem with waiting a year. She understood only that we were saying “no.” So eventually we went with the motivator that worked for her. And you should have seen her smile when she drove that pink car down the sidewalk for the first time—eighteen months later.Also, every expert I had read said, “never spank when potty training.” If it was taking a long time, they said, chill out—the kid will figure it out before college. So we tried being chill. We tried staying home for weeks to keep on schedule. We tried it all. All. For months . . . and months . . . Eventually our daughter was big enough to practically change her own diaper. I’m not exaggerating. And we reached the point at which she was going to be kept out of a program that would benefit her because it disallowed kids still using diapers. And I saw our situation for the power struggle it was. Maybe other kids needed their parents never to go there. But I was training up this child. And I knew her well enough to see that defiance was at the root of our issue. A couple of swift swats on the bottom of a stunned child pretty much instantly put an end to our months of potty-training issues.We found out when our daughter was seventeen that, as it turns out, she literally does not process life like most other kids. When the geneticist who diagnosed her met with us, I wept when he said, “You have been wonderful parents.” I hadn’t realized how much doubt was telling me, “Surely that many experts can’t be wrong” while over and over I’d felt I had no choice but to go against conventional wisdom. But sometimes a parent just knows.So as it turns out, my favorite parenting expert is Solomon. Yeah, he had some problems with his family life. But he still figured out that “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom” (Prov. 9:10). And he knew “one size fits all” was lousy parenting advice. Definitely seek counsel. We’re glad we did. But know that the best expert, the one most capable of sifting through and personalizing what your child needs is a prayerful, involved, attentive you.

Three Bible Passages about Family Life

Iasked three doctoral students—from left, Patricia Sibley, Dickson Chan and EdShyu—in a seminar on family issues to share with my readers three Biblepassages that talk about family basics. Here’s what they recommended:

Ephesians 5:21

“Submit yourselves toone another out of reverence for Christ.”

Jobfeared the Lord. He portrayed the righteousness of God. The fear of the Lordlays the foundations of godly family relationships. Job taught his children theword of God. He prayed for them and asked forgiveness for them. He fulfilledthe roles of the priest, prophet, protector, and provider of his home.

Deuteronomy 6:6–9

“These words I am commanding you todaymust be kept in mind, and you must teach them to your children and speak ofthem as you sit in your house, as you walk along the road, as you lie down, andas you get up. You should tie them as a reminder on your forearm and fastenthem as symbols on your forehead. Inscribethem on the doorframes of your houses and gates.”

TheBook of Deuteronomy commands us to keep the word of the Lord in our hearts andin our minds. So, therefore we teach our children intentionally at all timesand everywhere and with all means. The teaching should be remembered andmodeled daily. We are to write [God’s words] as a visual reminder. Our lives becomea living word of God. The word becomes flesh through our lives.

Psalm 127

If the Lord does notbuild a house,

then those who build itwork in vain.

If the Lord does notguard a city,

then the watchman standsguard in vain.

It is vain for you torise early, come home late,

and work so hard foryour food.

Yes, he can provide forthose whom he loves even when they sleep.

Yes, sons are a giftfrom the Lord,

the fruit of the womb isa reward.

Sons born during one’syouth

are like arrows in awarrior’s hand.

 How blessed is the man who fills his quiverwith them!

They will not be put toshame when they confront enemies at the city gate.

God is the LORD of allfamilies, providing for them and protecting them. He is the master builder ofthe home. Children are God’s gift to us to be good stewards of. We are to trainthem up and send them out for the work of the Lord and for his glory. 

Godis the LORD of all families,providing for them and protecting them. He is the master builder of the home.Children are God’s gift to us to be good stewards of. We are to train them upand send them out for the work of the Lord and for his glory (Psalm 127).

Movie Review: Moms' Night Out

“Moms' Night Out,” starring Sarah Drew (“Grey’s Anatomy”) openstomorrow—right in time for Mother’s Day weekend.

Drew’s character, Allyson, and her twofriends—played with expert delivery by Logan White and Patricia Heaton—wantjust one thing: a peaceful night out eating food off a menu while enjoying uninterruptedadult conversation. But for that to happen the dads have to parent their kidsfor three hours. And they are incapable of doing so without endangering theiroffspring.

The film is billed as a“true-to-life comedy that celebrates the beautiful mess called parenting,” but mostviewers will see little in the parenting that feels “true to life.” Forstarters, the husbands “babysit” (yes, they actually use that word) rather than“parent” while their wives go out.  Andthe dads of small children in this film are so inept at fathering that theydon’t even know their families’ emergency contact numbers. Naturally, the fumblingguys leave their kids with strangers and shady characters, and at least onechild goes missing. But that’s the risk moms take when they abandon theirchildren for a little “me” time, right?  

            The film,directed by the Erwin brothers (October Baby), is a cut above most Christian moviesin that it has excellent production values and solid acting. Drew proves her impressive range of talent; Trace Adkins as Bones is believable as theunexpected voice of wisdom (though one wonders why in a “mom” film the voice ofwisdom is a single guy); and Heaton delivers comedic lines with expert timing. Also,the positive portrayal of younger BFFs wanting to hang out with an older womancomes as a positive surprise.

Still, this offering in theunderserved women’s comedy genre is a lost opportunity. Allyson’s husband, Sean (Sean Astin), gives only lip service to his appreciation for herhard work as a mother (“Your job is important”). His cheerleading when she’sbeyond frazzled rings hollow coming from the guy who spends weekends playingfirst-person shooters with his bud. Who does all the parenting while he doeshis thing? She does. And instead of presenting a full mother/father partnershipas the solution to Allyson’s harried life, the remedy is for Sean valiantly to coverher childcare shift for three hours while she goes out with the girls. Oneviewer mumbled sarcastically, “As if it can all be solved in one night.”

While affirming the difficulties inherent inmothering, the film offers no hint that part of the problem is the husbands’lack of agape love, sacrifice, andcommitment to fathering. At no point do viewers get a picture of sharedparenting as God’s vision for the family. Sean’s character sympathizes with hiswife, but his only action is to encourage her and agree to give her athree-hour break—and even that he seems to view as filling in for “her” job.  Yet, incredibly, he is portrayed as being astellar guy for doing so. In a film designed to honor mothers?

At one point Allyson’s charactersays to her pastor’s wife, “I am listening to my husband, Sondra. It'sbiblical, right?”

Sondra replies, “It is biblical.”

The context is banter, but viewersunfamiliar with a biblical view of marriage receive only a presentation thatsuggests the Christian ideal is the wife caring for kids and listening to herhusband while the husband does what he wants. The mom in this model is a lead parent.The dad is served, not servant.  

Neither script nor plot would have requiredan overhaul to present an Ephesians 5 sort of mutuality with “love” and “laydown his life” as his part of the partnership. A conversation at the endbetween husband and wife provides the perfect chance for him soberly to acknowledgehis responsibility. But instead, his support remains in the realm of deedless words.

Viewers who can overlook Moms' Night Out’s view of marriage and parenting will enjoy its comedic elements. A satirical scene highlighting restaurant snobberydelivers a satisfying touché, and the film includes many other laugh-out-loud moments.So go see Moms' Night Out for the humor.

Just don’t go expecting to see a “messof parenting” that’s “beautiful.” For that to happen, Sean would have had to committo Dad’s Weekends In.

Wives Are Parents, Husbands Are Babysitters?

Here's today's Tapestry post:

Years ago, an author of a book on men and women in ministry with a PhD from a evangelical seminary spoke at a bring-your-own lunch workshop at another such school. Her opinions included the option that a woman might have biblical grounds for contributing economically to the household—a concept she pulled right out of Proverbs 31. Finally, one of the people in attendance raised a hand and asked, “But wouldn’t you concede that the ideal is for the woman to be home full-time raising the kids while the man is out working?"

She seemed ashamed. "Yes. That is the ideal."

At that time, my brother-in-law, Mark, and my sister, Mary, lived six blocks away. And Mark walked one of my nieces to school every morning while my sister left to teach school. A seminary student with a flexible work schedule, Mark was known in the neighborhood as the dad every kid wanted. Some afternoons my nieces came straight to our house until their parents arrived home. And none of us viewed this as unideal. In fact, we all loved it! The girls had the deep involvement of both parents, as well as the support of the extended family unit. And we enjoyed their presence.

So I think neither the speaker nor the questioner at that lunchtime talk went far enough. If we're going to speak in the realm of ideals, isn't the ideal for both parents to be around?

"She's at home, he's away at work" is a post-Industrial Revolution perspective. And while we might say it's a luxury to have a dad around during the day, it's also a luxury to have a mom around during the day. Having either set-up is a choice almost exclusively limited to two-parent, middle- and upper-class households.  

But here's the good news. Despite technology’s many consequences, one benefit is that flexible work hours are increasingly available to both men and women. A couple can contribute to the economics of their household, be available to the kids, and never have to pay a dime for daycare or leave a child without at least one parent at all times (unless they're on a date). 

Consider what life was like in an agrarian society without modern conveniences. Both parents worked at home. Mama never got down on the floor to play “Candyland” with her little ones—she was too busy canning peaches, ironing, and feeding the rabbits. And Papa was out in the field or perhaps in the shop doing blacksmith work, engaged in the tasks that required more physical strength. But he was around. And the kids spent a portion of the day helping him. Sometimes Grandma would take the kids and give both parents a break.

But industrialization yanked both fathers and mothers from the home. And until we had child labor laws, it pulled the kids out too. Only middle- and upper-class families could afford to have one parent at home. And the divorce rate skyrocketed, as the family unit no longer worked together for the common good. They hardly saw or knew each other. Even in middle-class homes where the father was the sole breadwinner and they could afford to have one parent at home full-time, the family experienced consequences. In the words of one of my students, “Our American mindset always makes it about money, and it simply isn't always about money. A man provides leadership, companionship, discipline, stability, and whatever else his gifting and abilities contribute. Having been raised in a traditional home that was bereft of a male role model because of my dad's long hours at work, I feel the void and don't believe that is God's design either."

So, the so-called biblical ideal of Mom at home with kids and Dad at the office or in the factory is really only a Westernized application of “provide for one’s own” and “be workers at home.” (Re. the latter, Paul was doubtless writing to women who were, for the most part, already contributing economically from home, and the emphasis was not on the location but on hard work.) 

One of the most devastating effects of this division of labor was and is a creeping sense that God did not “make” men to handle being around kids. Our language expresses this concept when we refer to mothers as “parents,” but dads as “babysitters.” I observe this phenomenon especially when the women go away on a retreat.

In the words of one Christian social historian, “When did we make it socially acceptable for men to be incompetent as parents?” Case in point...

A male economist/theology student with whom I discussed these ideas this week, upon viewing this clip wrote with grace: 

"It is such a denial of so many giftings that he already has and could develop. It's not so black and white. it's not "man go" "woman stay" and anything inbetween is not ideal or unbiblical. This echoes what I [feel] about wanting to engage more with my kids someday (hopefully!). Maybe being at home with my kids during the day some wouldn't be a bad thing?"  

God did not create women for childrearing and men for work. God gave both man and woman two tasks: Have dominion over the earth and be fruitful and multiply. And both male and female are needed, fully, to accomplish both tasks. How that looks today can vary. So let us show some grace and flexibility in considering how best to work out our Christianity when it comes to economics, the household, and childrearing. 

Book, Movie, and the UFC

Recently, a number of my current and former students have published some engage-the-culture stuff. Check out their work. 


Book Review:  
Of Mark and Grace Driscoll’s book, Real Marriage, by Sharifa Stevens

(The best review of this book I've seen.)

Movie review: 

Of the Indie film “Ink,” by Trevor Main 

Articles:

The Good Fight: Christians and the UFC, by Steve Smith
Raising Children in a Multi-cultural World, by Sharifa Stevens

The Last Week of Summer

My hubby has been in Indiana for a week of training, and he has another year, I mean week, to go. Yesterday was even his birthday. And yesterday I also took our girl to camp to begin her week at Pine Cove in East Texas.

The original plan was for him and me to get some time away alone together before school starts. And then this thing happened that is only offered two weeks out of the year, and it fell during our scheduled week. I can’t complain too much, because we both work out of our home now and we get to be together a lot more than we used to. But I'm still trying not to pout. I would make a crummy military spouse!

Anyway…when I got home yesterday evening, I started the annual August Cleaning. See, every year when my girl goes away, I do a deep-clean of her room. She depends on it, even expects it now. The child, if we allowed it, would keep a portion of every scrap of paper she’d ever used. She does not do this with garbage. Just paper. But she does not mind if someone else tosses it. So for my own sanity, I go in there and fill an entire recycle bag full of stuff. That means I get to see her floor, and she gets free maid service. But that’s not the only reason I do it. I have to look at every paper to determine if it's worthy of keeping. And in the process I always learn a lot of stuff about my girl. Here are some of this year’s observations.

• Kids these days have a lot of CDs. How can they do that with so little money? Wait. Some of them are from the parents’ collection. Hmmm.
• Now I know where all those disappearing batteries went—from flashlights and CD players and radios! They got sucked into the teen-room black hole. I found about 8 AA’s. Note to self: Add batteries to list for stocking stuffers. Perhaps then all the parents’ electronics will start working again.
• If I actually believed everything I saw with my own eyes, I’d believe she spent a lot of time hanging out with Justin Bieber and Dakota Fanning this year. Very creative with Photoshop. Wonder if we can turn that into a marketable skill.
• She knows how to write music. Who knew? The kid has been composing songs on music paper.
• Here's the biggie: She actually likes her parents. I found a story she wrote about a wonderful mom, and at the end she said it was based on reality. And then she conceded that it was actually, in fact, complete reality. She may not say so to my face, like ever, but on paper she even empathizes with what a tough job parenting must be. I nearly dashed out and bought a frame! But I didn’t. I just tucked it in with the rest of her stories and told myself I’d received my payoff for the time spent.

Yeah. Like rock-solid16 karat Fort Knox gold.

Tween Time?

My friend, Paul Pettit, just published a book for parents with kids between the ages of eight and twelve, Congratulations, You've Got Tweens! I endorsed the book, which is a great little guide. And that means I also ended up with an extra copy to give away.

Life as a tween's parents has its ups and downs, for sure. Case in point: A couple of days ago, still suffering with a respiratory deal, I decided to take a short nap before picking up my daughter from school, two miles and a busy intersection away. But when I opened my eyes, I realized I was 30 minutes late to get her! I tore out of the house and wheeled my car out of the driveway only to find her within ten houses of home carrying her violin and backpack. I threw open the door and exclaimed, "Oh, honey! I'm so sorry!"

I expected her to berate me--to tell me how worried she was or how scared. But, no. She cheerfully jumped in and said, "That's okay, Mom! I needed the exercise!"

Love her!

Then last night, we went to a fancy-schmancy hotel to celebrate the end of school. If you live near (or have visited) Dallas, you know the spot--the restaurant in the big ball at the top of the Hyatt that overlooks the city at night. At the end of the evening, as we waited for my husband to get the car, I looked around to find her. And I discovered our girl and her tween friend leaning over on their bellies into a fountain in the lobby, stretched full out legs akimbo, scooping out money for themselves.

Oy! Tweens!

What geeky stuff did you do as a tween? Leave a comment and I'll draw your name on Tuesday. I will donate a copy of Paul's book to the winner's favorite library (personal, church, school, or community).