Compelling Love

Compelling Love Original Trailer 1.21.14 from Kurt Neale on Vimeo.

“The most intolerant and narrow-minded people are the ones who congratulate themselves on their tolerance and open-mindedness.” – Christopher Hitchens

When it comes to differences in sexual orientation and gender identity, the culture wars tend to force us into positions of tolerance or intolerance. But what if we were able to reach beyond such polarizing positions and connect with those whose beliefs, values, and lifestyle we disagree with or even find offensive?

Over the past year, Dr. Gary Barnes and Kurt Neale traveled the country, posing this question to scores of people with different sexual and gender identities. Compelling Love & Sexual Identity is the result: a thought-provoking and moving feature-length documentary film that captures their personal stories and candid responses.

Join them for a FREE and EXCLUSIVE screening of the film at the Lakewood Theater (1825 Abrams Rd.) in Dallas on Thursday, November 6 at 7:30pm.

You may get tickets on the website www.compellinglovefilm.com. This event is open to the public, so family and friends are welcome to attend.

Movie Review: Lars and the Real Girl

If you wonder why I'm just now getting around to seeing "Lars and the Real Girl," a 2007 movie, remember—in 2007, I was in the middle of earning a PhD. (When I emerged last year, I asked, "John Wayne died? Really?")

If you want to see what I consider the ideal faith flick, this comes quite close. The movie is in no way billed as a "faith" film. But the community of faith and the question of what Jesus would do and the cost of love all provide the architecture upon which the screenwriter has built the storyline.

"Lars and Real Girl" features Academy-Award nominated Ryan Gosling as Lars Lindstrom, a kind introvert with some serious emotional baggage. After years of hermit-like living, he orders a life-sized doll, Bianca, off the Internet. But he has no kinky intentions. He believes she's real.

The day Bianca arrives, he introduces her to his big brother, Gus (Paul Schneider), and Gus's wife, Karen (Emily Mortimer), who live with him in adjacent quarters on the land the guys inherited from their parents. Gus and Karen sit speechless, wondering what to say to Lars or Bianca, the life-size doll he treats as a real person. When they consult the family doctor, Dagmar (Patricia Clarkson), she explains Lars has created a delusion they will have to "go along with" until they figure out why he has created her. What follows is an emotional journey for every person in Lars's community.

Our psychiatrist friend told my husband and me that it doesn't help to tell people their delusions and hallucinations are not real. So he "enters the story" with them. This film shows what it looks like to do that. And in doing so, it provides a model of community at its best.

In addition to its compassionate approach, quirky humor, and wise storytelling, the film features everyday folks who actually look like everyday folks, rather than perfect specimens of physical beauty. For once "reality" in a movie means something other than colorful language and violence.

Two thumbs up.

How Do You Feel about Valentine's Day?

Quick! What do you get when you mix history, myth, marketing, romance, and angst? Yes, indeed—Saint Valentine’s Day.

Many of us think, “Meh. Another commercial holiday for greeting-card companies to make money.” And, indeed, they do. The Greeting Card Association reports that men (15%) and women (85%) send an estimated 1 million Valentine’s Day cards annually. That makes V-Day second only to Christmas (2.6 million) in cards sent.

But perhaps we give companies such as Hallmark too much credit. The day didn’t originate with them—they’ve just found a way to capitalize on it. As have florists, chocolatiers—and anybody associated with Madison Avenue.

So how did it start? Since at least Roman times, people have associated the month of February with romance. But V-Day is not simply Valentine’s Day. It’s Saint Valentine’s Day. And why did the church choose February 14 for this saint’s day? Perhaps as an “alternative” celebration, similar to how some Christians have Harvest Festivals around the time of Halloween. Or perhaps because one of the three priests named Valentine listed in the martyrology died on that date. Possibly two of these were the same man. But my point is not to examine the history with all its “ifs” and “buts.” Though the background of the holiday is murky, the saints’ stories emphasize that Valentine was a romantic figure who was sympathetic, heroic, and Christ-like.

And that last point is important, as my friend Kathy reminds us. Self-described as a never-married single, she writes, “The history of V-Day going back to St. Valentine is encouraging. The focus becomes Christ. We are His bride. Since we are all his bride, no one is left out. Too often the church leaves people feeling left out, not included, and less than.”

The constant reminder about one’s marital status can make it difficult to remember such truths. Consequently, some bemoan February 14 as “Singles Identification Day,” and run for cover until the frenzy passes. Julie says, “Every time I see a certain person he says: ‘Aren't you married yet? You're not getting any younger.’ I'd put that on the ‘Don't do’ list!” Her experience is not an isolated case. Consequently, the day can come as a stinging reminder when one already feels like “the other.” Last year Kathi’s daughter and her roommate toasted long-stem roses over a charcoal grill in the backyard of their apartment to “celebrate” the day.

But the pressure can come from within, as well. Marnie writes, “Being single on this day often results in a comparison game of our lives to others. It can be a reminder of ‘what we don't have but greatly desire.’ It can be a day when it’s easier to believe the lie, ‘you're not worth loving,’ instead of the truth, ‘You are loved, chosen and fully accepted.’ It can be a day of loneliness and silent hurt.”

Lacie copes by embracing humor. She writes, “Have you seen Jon Acuff's “Stuff Christians Like” post on singleness and the church? It's pretty hilarious. The comments below might actually be my favorite part.”

This is not to say singles all sit around pining on V-Day. Carol writes, “As a single who isn't looking nor desires to look, I see Valentine's Day as a day for those involved with someone to really show their love. I try to be accommodating and work so others don't have to.” Nika looks forward to discounted candy on February 15.  Julie makes the day all about family and food. And Laura Beth enjoys the extra cash she earns babysitting for couples.

And the group of those who have negative or ambivalent associations with the day is broader than a sub-set of never-marrieds. Consider those divorced, separated from spouses, and widowed. My older sister, bereft of her husband due to a texting driver, says, “Ever since my husband died, several friends have sent me Valentine's cards in the mail. Warms my heart. My son usually gets me flowers. They know how hard it is.” Military spouses often experience the day as an acute reminder of a loved-one’s absence. And those who have suffered break-ups can feel especially alone.

But even many married people say, “Who needs the pressure to express love on demand?” Sharifa writes, “I am kind of a Grinch when it comes to this particular holiday, though I love love.” Susan feels frustrated that “there is a lot of cultural focus on either relational appeasement or ego gratification.”

Valentine’s Day is special for me because it was the day I trusted Christ as a fourteen-year-old. But I still appreciate the ambivalence. Having been married more than thirty-three years, I “get” that love goes far deeper than romance. Randy quotes Howard Hendricks on this: “If you fall in love with a body, every day you will be more disappointed.” (And the same goes for your spouse.) Even the world acknowledges this. Pointing to an article inThe Atlantic titled, “Marriage is Not a '24/7 Sleepover Party,'” Laura Beth notes that marriage is "not all flowers, candy, and romance. It’s something deeper.” And sometimes the holiday about flowers, candy, and romance can feel shallow. Or obligatory. Or a big disappointment if one’s spouse “fails” to deliver.

Debbie sees the holiday as a time to think about relationships, regardless of one’s status. She recommends that marrieds and singles alike read The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller, describing the book as one of the best ever on relationships and marriage.

Christine tells how some use the day as an opportunity to “give back that which has been given to us.” She tells of friends who host “a party designed to promote Love146's ministry to sex-trafficking victims. They have invited people of all ages and marital statuses. It's a beautiful reminder to think outwardly and corporately (regardless of status) about how we can be part of change. Valentine's Day can be a reminder to love. Who are we loving well?” She goes on to recount her own story: “I didn't marry until I was 35—and a couple of things really helped me enjoy Valentine's Day more: (1) Expanding my idea of celebrating Valentine's Day to encompass more than just a sweetheart, such as sending cards or notes and making phone calls to good friends and family members (I still do this, especially for my single girlfriends). (2) Celebrating on the actual day with good friends. Even just a girls’ dinner out really helped to make the holiday special and not lonely.”

Susan adds, [It’s] very, very rare to see Valentine's Day as a celebration of relationship (whether romantic or platonic or familial). Why can't it be a day to rejoice over a heart’s strings that are attached to other people—and this from a chocoholic!”

Actually, in some places, the day is exactly that. When I was in Mexico during Valentine’s Day one year, I learned that our hosts saw February 14 as “The Day of Love and Friendship.” When a Mexican church leader asked me, a married woman, to be his valentine, I went slack-jawed until someone explained that he was simply declaring his friendship. Sean, a man of Japanese descent, says that in his country the women buy the men chocolates on Valentines Day, regardless of marital status. He concludes, “Never question the Japanese—they had the samurai. And ninjas.”

One year on V-Day, my man and I were apart because he was in Africa. My sister and brother-in-law, knowing I was alone, invited me over for a fancy dinner along with my daughter and two of their single women friends. We all laughed and enjoyed a wonderful evening together—singles, marrieds, and far-aparts. This couple’s sacrifice of what could have been their “date night” turned an otherwise lonely time into a “ro-tic” (romantic without the "man") night.

St. Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. And I ask you—how can we, in the spirit of the martyrs, show real love? Doing so might require more than a card. Shawn reminds us, “Valuing people, whether single, dating, or married, helps when lame, ‘this is what the world says I should do or be holidays’ come around. Love covers a multitude of sins.” On February 14, we have an opportunity to show what agape really is—a picture of the one who gave his all for the sake of love. And that’s true regardless of our “status.”

What Is Love?

My Aussie friends, Henry and Felicity, shared this wonderful three-minute video about their former pastor and father of Henry's best friend from school who cares for his wife with Alzheimer's. If you have about twelve minutes, also check out this well done "60 Minutes"inspiring piece on them that's full of profound insight.

How Do You Feel about Valentine's Day?

Below you'll find today's Tapestry post. Thanks to my FB friends who contributed: 

Quick! What do you get when you mix history, myth,marketing, romance, and angst? Yes, indeed—Saint Valentine’s Day.
 


Many of us think, “Meh. Another commercial holiday forgreeting-card companies to make money.” And, indeed, they do. The Greeting CardAssociation reports that men (15%) and women (85%) send an estimated 1 millionValentine’s Day cards annually. That makes V-Day second only to Christmas (2.6million) in cards sent. 
 


But perhaps we give companies such as Hallmark too muchcredit. The day didn’t originate with them—they’ve just found a way tocapitalize on it. As have florists, chocolatiers—and anybody associated withMadison Avenue.  
 


So how did it start? Since at least Roman times, people haveassociated the month of February with romance. But V-Day is not simplyValentine’s Day. It’s Saint Valentine’s Day. And why did the churchchoose February 14 for this saint’s day? Perhaps as an “alternative” celebration,similar to how some Christians have Harvest Festivals around the time ofHalloween. Or perhaps because one of the three priests named Valentine listedin the martyrology died on that date. Possibly two of these were the same man.But my point is not to examine the history with all its “ifs” and “buts.”Though the background of the holiday is murky, the saints’ stories emphasizethat Valentine was a romantic figure who was sympathetic, heroic, andChrist-like.
 


And that last point is important, as my friend Kathy remindsus. Self-described as a never-married single, she writes, “The history of V-Daygoing back to St. Valentine is encouraging. The focus becomes Christ. We areHis bride. Since we are all his bride, no one is left out. Too often the churchleaves people feeling left out, not included, and less than.”
 


The constant reminder about one’s marital status can make itdifficult to remember such truths. Consequently, some bemoan February 14 as“Singles Identification Day,” and run for cover until the frenzy passes. Juliesays, “Every time I see a certain person he says: ‘Aren't you married yet?You're not getting any younger.’ I'd put that on the ‘Don't do’ list!” Herexperience is not an isolated case. Consequently, the day can come as a stingingreminder when one already feels like “the other.” Last year Kathi’s daughterand her roommate toasted long-stem roses over a charcoal grill in the backyardof their apartment to “celebrate” the day.
 

But the pressure can come from within, as well. Marniewrites, “Being single on this day often results in a comparison game of ourlives to others. It can be a reminder of ‘what we don't have but greatlydesire.’ It can be a day when it’s easier to believe the lie, ‘you're not worthloving,’ instead of the truth, ‘You are loved, chosen and fully accepted.’ Itcan be a day of loneliness and silent hurt.”
 


Lacie copes by embracing humor. She writes, “Have you seenJon Acuff's “Stuff Christians Like” poston singleness and the church? It's pretty hilarious. The comments belowmight actually be my favorite part.”
 

This is not to say singles all sit around pining on V-Day.Carol writes, “As a single who isn't looking nor desires to look, I seeValentine's Day as a day for those involved with someone to really show theirlove. I try to be accommodating and work so others don't have to.” Nika looksforward to discounted candy on February 15.  Julie makes the day all aboutfamily and food. And Laura Beth enjoys the extra cash she earns babysitting forcouples.
 


And the group of those who have negative or ambivalentassociations with the day is broader than a sub-set of never-marrieds. Considerthose divorced, separated from spouses, and widowed. My older sister, bereft ofher husband due to a texting driver, says, “Ever since my husband died, severalfriends have sent me Valentine's cards in the mail. Warms my heart. My sonusually gets me flowers. They know how hard it is.” Military spouses oftenexperience the day as an acute reminder of a loved-one’s absence. And those whohave suffered break-ups can feel especially alone.
 


But even many married people say, “Who needs the pressure toexpress love on demand?” Sharifa writes, “I am kind of a Grinch when it comesto this particular holiday, though I love love.” Susan feels frustrated that“there is a lot of cultural focus on either relational appeasement or egogratification.”
 


Valentine’s Day is special for me because it was the day Itrusted Christ as a fourteen-year-old. But I still appreciate the ambivalence.Having been married more than thirty-three years, I “get” that love goes fardeeper than romance. Randy quotes Howard Hendricks on this: “If you fall inlove with a body, every day you will be more disappointed.” (And the same goesfor your spouse.) Even the world acknowledges this. Pointing to an article inThe Atlantic titled, “Marriageis Not a '24/7 Sleepover Party,'” Laura Beth notes that marriage is"not all flowers, candy, and romance. It’s something deeper.” Andsometimes the holiday about flowers, candy, and romance can feel shallow. Orobligatory. Or a big disappointment if one’s spouse “fails” to deliver.
 


Debbie sees the holiday as a time to think aboutrelationships, regardless of one’s status. She recommends that marrieds andsingles alike read The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller, describing thebook as one of the best ever on relationships andmarriage. 
 


Christine tells how some use the day as an opportunity to“give back that which has been given to us.” She tells of friends who host “aparty designed to promote Love146's ministry to sex-trafficking victims. Theyhave invited people of all ages and marital statuses. It's a beautiful reminderto think outwardly and corporately (regardless of status) about how we can bepart of change. Valentine's Day can be a reminder to love. Who are we lovingwell?” She goes on to recount her own story: “I didn't marry until I was 35—anda couple of things really helped me enjoy Valentine's Day more: (1) Expandingmy idea of celebrating Valentine's Day to encompass more than just a sweetheart,such as sending cards or notes and making phone calls to good friends andfamily members (I still do this, especially for my single girlfriends). (2)Celebrating on the actual day with good friends. Even just a girls’ dinner outreally helped to make the holiday special and not lonely.”
 
Susan adds,[It’s] very, very rare to see Valentine's Day as a celebration of relationship(whether romantic or platonic or familial). Why can't it be a day to rejoiceover a heart’s strings that are attached to other people—and this from achocoholic!” 
 


Actually, in some places, the day is exactly that. When Iwas in Mexico during Valentine’s Day one year, I learned that our hosts sawFebruary 14 as “The Day of Love and Friendship.” When a Mexican church leaderasked me, a married woman, to be his valentine, I went slack-jawed untilsomeone explained that he was simply declaring his friendship. Sean, a man ofJapanese descent, says that in his country the women buy the men chocolates onValentines Day, regardless of marital status. He concludes, “Never question theJapanese—they had the samurai. And ninjas.”
 


One year on V-Day, my man and I were apart because he was inAfrica. My sister and brother-in-law, knowing I was alone, invited me over fora fancy dinner along with my daughter and two of their single women friends. Weall laughed and enjoyed a wonderful evening together—singles, marrieds, andfar-aparts. This couple’s sacrifice of what could have been their “date night”turned an otherwise lonely time into a “ro-tic” (romantic without the “man”) night. 

St. Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. And I askyou—how can we, in the spirit of the martyrs, show real love? Doing so mightrequire more than a card. Shawn reminds us, “Valuing people, whether single,dating, or married, helps when lame, ‘this is what the world says I should door be holidays’ come around. Love covers a multitude of sins.” On February 14,we have an opportunity to show what agape really is—a picture of the onewho gave his all for the sake of love. And that’s true regardless of our“status.”

Incredibly Close and Extremely Precious

I returned last night from a quick trip to Oregon. Two weeks ago my mother fell and broke her clavicle and some ribs (like daughter, like mother?). But she also had a head injury that scared the bajeebers out of us. I arrived in Woodburn, Oregon, onWednesday, spent Thursday going to three therapy sessions with her, and on Friday was able to be with Dad when we brought her home. Meanwhile my dad’s on at least a one-month break from radiation treatments. How I needed to hug their necks!I’m one of those blessed people with loving, supportive parents.  And let me tell ya, there’s nothing like hearing your father pray for his beloved of sixty years (they’re less than two months from celebrating their sixtieth). Watching her, with one side out of commission, rubbing moisturizer on his radiation burn—I’ve just witnessed much stronger love than the Hollywood glamour version.The weather was fantastic, offering fab views of Mts. Hood, Jefferson, and St. Helens. One 31-degree morning as I drove to the rehab center in Mt. Angel, the sun rose and turned frost to droplets. So the sun glistened on dew-filled fields full of tulip shoots in the foreground, against a snow-covered backdrop of hills and a mountain or two.On Friday afternoon, I drove with Dad to retrieve Mom’s wallet from the hospital where I was born and where he receives his radiation treatments. From there we swung by nearby Keizer, the town where my parents raised their five kids till I was ten. We found our old house. It used to sit on five acres overlooking the Willamette River. Now it sits back from the road in a cul-de-sac. Our orchards, lawn, and view have morphed into a residential neighborhood with a string of houses backing up to the waterfront and blocking any view of the river. Some things change; some things remain the same.That night my nephew, Jonathan, starred in Vancouver, Washington, as Aslan in a production of “Narnia.” That quiet nephew whom few of us realized could sing stood up on the stage and belted out songs in perfect pitch. Those who know he lost his dadtwo-and-a-half years ago in a collision with a texting driver especially appreciated that in the Playbill he gave thanks for the support of his family, his friends, and his heavenly Father.Because I booked such a last-minute flight, I had one-stop flights—going through San Francisco on the outbound and through Denver on the return trip. That means I spent all day on either end getting to and from my destinations. So I did a lot of reading.In April, I plan to attend the Calvin Festival of Faith and Writing, where one of the scheduled keynoters is Jonathan Safran Foer. So I read his book, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.In this novel the main POV character is nine-year-old Oskar Schell, an unusual boy who lives in a Manhattan flat with his mom. Together they mourn in their own ways the loss of Oskar’s father, who was in a meeting in one of the World Trade Towers on 9/11/2001, when an airplane flew into it.A year after his father’s death, Oskar discovers a vase in his father’s closet that contains a key. The key is tucked inside an envelope that has only one thing written on it: “Black.” So Oskar sets out to meet everyone with the surname “Black” living in New York and also to try every lock in the city. He thinks doing so will lead him to find an important final message from his father. It certainly leads him to have some interesting experiences and conversations.Throughout the book Foer uses photos as a literary technique to connect some of his themes. He also uses Oskar’s grandparents as additional POV characters, taking readers back through different timelines set during WWII, the most vivid of which are the fire-bombing of Dresden and the dropping of the atomic bomb on Hiroshima. These cities were obliterated by the alliedforces and United States, respectively. The firebombs killed about 30,000 in Dresden; the atom bomb killed about 90,000 in Hiroshima. In setting these within a story about a 9/11-associated loss, the author makes a statement without making a statement.Knowing what happened in these cities gave me an advantage as I read. Many in my generation and later are unaware especially of what happened in Dresden. But I had received an introduction to those events somewhat by accident. As part of my PhD research into classic literature, I listened to a Mars Hill Audio recording in which the interviewer mentioned that Kurt Vonnegut survived the bombing of Dresden—being there as a POW—and it left an indelible mark on his work. Maybe the interviewer also noted, or at least I certainly made the connection, that Vonnegut’s experience paralleled that of another great literary mind, T. S. Eliot, who served as a fire warden during the blitz in WWI.Foer’s photographic elements in the narrative, his partially non-linear chronology, and his different POV characters make Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close an unusual work. It’s like a modern version of a Modern novel.The book provides readers with an up-close view of some dynamics at work when we lose something and must come to terms with that loss. I found a lot of overlap with my own feelings. But maybe everyone would. Are we actually ever, in this life, not mourning something?